Marriage/Spouse selction/Proposals Duas & Islamic Etiquettes
A two rak'at prayer that a married person
establishes is worthier than when a bachelor keeps up prayers at nights and
fasts during the days.
The Holy Prophet [saw], Man La Yahduruhul
Faqih, vol. 3, p. 384
Duas /Recitations to get Married
Special for daughters
In case a
boy or a girl has not been able to get married & wishes to do so ,Recite foll
-Recite Surah al
Ahzaab (chapter 33) regularly. -Recite Surah al Mumtahinah (chapter 60) five times daily,
-Recite surah at Taha (chapter 20) and blow breath on a glass of water and let
the girl drink it.
each day once for 41 days & pray for it REF: Wazaif-ut-talib, pg
-Recite verse 36 of Yasin 100 times before salat of tahajjud for 40 days
"subh'aanallad'ee khalaqal azwaaja kullahaa mimmaa tumbitul arz'u
wa min anfusihim wa mimmaa laa ya'lamoon, " سُبْحَانَ
الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْأَزْوَاجَ كُلَّهَا مِمَّا تُنبِتُ الْأَرْضُ وَمِنْ
أَنفُسِهِمْ وَمِمَّا لَا يَعْلَمُونَ ﴿٣٦﴾
-Recite Surah Furqan Ayat 74,75 & 76 21 times for 3 days
& pray for nikah
-Recite Surah Tariq Ch 86 esp
on Arafat day
-It is written in Biharul Anwar that to invoke the almighty
Allah that a grown up boy or a girl be suitably married carry out the
following a'mal of du-a'a of Mashlul
(i) Recite du-a'a al
Mashlul preferably after Fajr salat or any obligatory
salat for 40 consecutive days.
(ii) Do not eat animal flesh
(iii) Always remain the state of Ablution
(iv) Wear Ihram dress at the time of reciting the du-a'a
Dua'a 181 Recite the following du-a'a after giving sadaqa to
deserving mumin .
“O Causer of the Causes; O He who opens
the doors (to opportunities); O’ He who gives an answer to the call from
wherever (He is called).”
Asbaabi Yaa Mufattihal Abwaabi Yaa Man Haythu Maa Du-ee-Ya Ajaaba
-Dua'a 182 According to Biharul Anwar to invoke the almighty Allah
that a grown up boy or girl be suitably married recite the following du-a'a
100 times daily for 40 consecutive days after any obligatory salat.
“Make easy (my difficulties), by Your
superabundant favours, O’ the Most Mighty.”
Fadhlika Yaa `Azeez
-Dua'a 183 It is written in Bihar al Anwar that if a grown up girl is
not receiving any offer of marriage, her father should pray a 2 rak-at salat
(like Fajr salat) on Friday after Jumu-ah prayers and after the salam go into
Sajdah and recite surah al Muzzammil (chapter 73) 21 times. Inshallah very
soon she will be married to a suitable man.
Dua'a 184 It is written in Biharul Anwar to write the following
portion of verse 132 of at Ta Ha on a paper with the solution of musk, saffron
and rose water and bind it as a Ta'wid on the right arm, if a man desires to
be married soon. Bind another Ta'wid like above on the right arm of the man or
woman who is negotiating the proposal of marriage.
“It is We who give you sustenance, and the
good of the hereafter is for those who have Allah consciousness and
guard themselves against evil.” Nahnu Narzuquka
wal `Aaqibatu Lit-Taqwa
-Dua'a 185 It is written in Kanzul Maknun to write the following
du-a'a on a paper like a Ta'wid and bind it on the right arm of the grown up
girl who is not receiving any offer of marriage. Inshallah, soon she will be
married. As there is ismi a'z'am in this du-a'a, it should be
removed during menses.
O Light of everything which guides them, You are He who cuts asunder darkness with His light.
kulli shay-in wa hudaahu antallad'ee falaqaz' z'ulumaati
Dua'a 186 Matrimonial affairs
proposal of Marriage According to Imam Jafar bin Muhammad as Sadiq(as), it is
written in Biharul Anwar, whoever desires to marry should recite the following
du-a'a before making a formal request for marriage.
اِنِّيْ اُرِيْدُ اَنْ اَتَزَوَّجَ فَقَدِّرْ لِيْ مِنَ النِّسَآءِ
اَعْفِهُنَّ فَرْجًا وَ احْفَظِهُنَّ لِيْ فِيْ نَفْسِهَا وَ اَوْسِعْهُنَّ
لِيْ رِزْقًا وَاَعْظَمِهُنَّ لِيْ بَرَكَةً فِيْ نَفْسِهَا وَ مَا لِيْ
فَقَدِّرْ لِيْ مِنْهَا وَلَدًا طَيِّبًا تَجْعَلُهٗ خَلَفًا صَالِحًا فِيْ
“O’ Allah! I desire to marry, so arrange
for me a woman from those who willingly abstain from what is unlawful
and who safeguards her soul for my sake and because of her, not only my
means of sustenance will increase, but also make there be in it
abundance and also make it sure that she will give me a virtuous son,
who will be a noble successor in my life and after my death.”
Allahumma Innee Urreedu An Atazawwaja
Faqaddir Lee Minan Nisaa-I A’fihunna Farjajan wa Ah’fadh’ihunna Lee Fee
Nafsihaa Wa Awsa-i-Hunna Lee Rizwan Wa A-dhamahunna Lee Barakatan Fee
Nafsihaa Wa Maaleee Faqaddir Lee Minhaa Waladan Tayyiban Tajaluhoo
Khalafan Saalihan Fee Hayaatee Wa Ba`da Mawtee.
-It is written in Behaarul Anwaar that if unmanageable
impediments are obstructing your marriage write the following verses (Taahaa:
131, 132) with saffron and keep it on the body. Inshallah all hindrances
تَمُدَّنَّ عَيْنَيْكَ اِلٰى مَا مَتَّعْنَا بِهٖ
اَزْوَاجًا مِّنْهُمْ زَهْرَةَ الْحَيٰوةِ الدُّنْيَا، لِنَفْتِنَهُمْ فِيْهِ،
وَرِزْقُ رَبِّكَ خَيْرٌ وَّ اَبْقٰى.
وَاْمُرْ اَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلٰوةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا، لاَ نَسْئَلُكَ
رِزْقًا، نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ، وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوٰى.
wa laa tamuddanna a’ynayka elaa maa matta’naa
behi azwaajam minhum zahratal hayaatid dunyaa, le naftenahum feehe, wa rizqo
rabbeka khayruwn wa abqaa. waamur ahlaka bis-salaate was’t’abir a’layhaa laa
nas-aloka rizqaa nah’no narzoqok wal a’aqebato littaqwaa.
Do not strain your eyes towards that which we have
given for enjoyment to parties (wedded pairs) of them, the splendor of the
life of this world, so that we may try them in it. The provision of your
lord is better and more lasting. Enjoin prayer (salat) on your followers,
and adhere steadily to it, we do not ask you to provide (subsistence), (it
is) We who give you subsistence; and (the good of) the hereafter is for
those who safeguard themselves against evil with full awareness of divine
get your daughter married in a good family the following A’amal is
Recite two rak-at salat with the niyat of hajaat.
ii) Then recite 11 times salawat.
iii) Then recite the five tasbih of Sayyida Fatima Zehra as under :
ALLAAHU AKBAR 34 Times
ALHAMDULILLAH 34 Times
SUBHANALLAH 33 Times
LAA ILAHA ILLALLAH Once
iv) Recite 11 times salawat.
v) Then recite the following Surahs consequently:
Taha (#20), Shu-ara (#26), Naml (#27), Qasas (#28), Ya Sin (#36) & Shura
Beseech Allah swt with intercession of the 14 Masumin (a.s.) and the marriage
relationship of Imam Ali (a.s.) and Sayyida Fatima (a.s.) and pray for the girls of our community and then your own daughter(s).
Chapter of ease in marriage of
daughter/s ( Source Tohfatul Hashmiya)
It is narrated from Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.) that
he said: One who has an unmarried daughter in the house should write Surah
Ahzab on deerskin and keep it in a container and close the lid tightly in
the house where she lives. Very soon a groom would be found for her by the
leave of Allah.
Also mentioned for the marriage
It is that the Surah Shura be written with
كهيعص on a white clear paper by musk, saffron and rose water.
Wash it with water and sprinkle it upon the head of the daughter whose
marriage is intended and the aim shall be achieved by way of ease in the
marriage by the leave of Allah.
For one who intends to marry and
does not want his request rejected
It is narrated from the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) that
he said: One who writes seven verses and puts it on a green cloth and sends
it to people he will not be rejected, his intention shall be fulfilled by
the permission of Allah.
Chapter on ease in marriage of
It is that you write the holy verses by musk, saffron
and rose water from the beginning of Surah Fath till the seventh verse on
the dress of the unmarried girl that she wears and the following are to be
إِنَّا فَتَحْنَا لَكَ فَتْحًا مُّبِيْنًا. لِيَغْفِرَ لَكَ اللهُ مَا
تَقَدَّمَ مِنْ ذَنْبِكَ وَ مَا تَأَخَّرَ وَ يُتِمَّ نِعْمَتَهُ عَلَيْكَ وَ
يَهْدِيَكَ صِرَاطًا مُّسْتَقِيمًا. وَ يَنصُرَكَ اللهُ نَصْرًا عَزِيْزًا.
هُوَ الَّذِيْ أَنْزَلَ السَّكِينَةَ فِيْ قُلُوْبِ الْمُؤْمِنِيْنَ
لِيَزْدَادُوْا إِيْمَانًا مَّعَ إِيْمَانِهِمْ وَ ِللهِ جُنُوْدُ
السَّمَاوَاتِ وَاْلأَرْضِ وَ كَانَ اللهُ عَلِيْمًا حَكِيْمًا. لِيُدْخِلَ
الْمُؤْمِنِيْنَ وَ الْمُؤْمِنَاتِ جَنَّاتٍ تَجْرِيْ مِنْ تَحْتِهَا
اْلأَنْهَارُ خَالِدِيْنَ فِيْهَا وَ يُكَفِّرَ عَنْهُمْ سَيِّئَاتِهِمْ وَ
كَانَ ذٰلِكَ عِنْدَ اللهِ فَوْزًا عَظِيْمًا. وَ يُعَذِّبَ الْمُنَافِقِيْنَ
وَ الْمُنَافِقَاتِ وَ الْمُشْرِكِيْنَ وَ الْمُشْرِكَاتِ الظَّانِّيْنَ
بِاللهِ ظَنَّ السَّوْءِ عَلَيْهِمْ دَائِرَةُ السَّوْءِ وَ غَضِبَ اللهُ
عَلَيْهِمْ وَ لَعَنَهُمْ وَ أَعَدَّ لَهُمْ جَهَنَّمَ وَ سَائَتْ مَصِيْرًا.
وَ ِللهِ جُنُوْدُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَ اْلأَرْضِ وَ كَانَ اللهُ عَزِيْزًا
Innaa fatah’nalaka fat’ham mubeenaa. Liyaghfira
lakallaahu maa taqaddama min dhambika wa maa ta-akhkhara wa yutimma
ni’matahu a’laika wa yahdiyaka s’iraatam mustaqeemaa. Wa yans’urakallaahu
nas’ran azeezaa. Huwalladhee anzalas sakeenata fee quloobil mu-mineena
liyazdaadu eemaanam ma-a’ eemaanihim wa lillaahi junoodus samaawaati wal
arz”i, wa kaanallaahu a’leeman h’akeemaa. Liyudkhilal mu-mineena wal mu-minaati
jannaatin tajreemin tah’tihal anhaaru khaalideena feehaa wa yukaffir a’nhum
sayyi-aatihim, wa kaana dhaalika i’ndallaahi fauzan a’z’eemaa. Wa
yua’dhdhibal munafiqeena wal munaafiqaati wal mushrikeen wal mushrikaatiz’
z’aaanneena billaahi z’annas sau-i, a’laihim daa-iratus sau-i wa
ghaz”iballaahu a’laihim wa la’nahum wa aa’ddalahum jahannama wa saa-at
mas’eeraa. Wa lillaahi junoodus samaawaati wal arz”i, wa kaanallaahu
Surely We have given to you a clear victory. That
Allah may forgive your community their past faults and those to follow and
complete His favor to you and keep you on a right way. And that Allah might
help you with a mighty help. He it is Who sent down tranquility into the
hearts of the believers that they might have more of faith added to their
faith and Allah’s are the hosts of the heavens and the earth, and Allah is
Knowing, Wise. That He may cause the believing men and the believing women
to enter gardens beneath which rivers flow to abide therein and remove from
them their evil; and that is a grand achievement with Allah. And (that) He
may punish the hypocritical men and the hypocritical women, and the
polytheistic men and the polytheistic women, the entertainers of evil
thoughts about Allah. On them is the evil turn, and Allah is wroth with them
and has cursed them and prepared hell for them, and evil is the resort. And
Allah’s are the hosts of the heavens and the earth; and Allah is Mighty,
She would soon be married by the leave of Allah, the
On the good fortune for the
One who intends success and good fortune for his
daughter, should give in Sadaqah (Charity) some dates for the sake of Allah,
the Exalted, in the same way: He should calculate her age and for each year
he should take twelve dates. If her age is 20 years then he should give 240
dates and it is necessary that he should recite Surah Fath, Surah Yasin and
Surah Nasr on the dates. He would indeed achieve his aim by the power of
For fulfilling ones intention one should write the
following supplication and tie it up in the hair of the daughter for forty
وَ مِنْ كُلِّ شَیْءٍ خَلَقْنَا زَوْجَيْنِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُوْنَ.
اَللَّهُمَّ بِحَقِّ قَوْلِكَ هٰذَا وَ بِحَقِّ مُحَمَّدٍ وَ عَلِىٍّ اَنْ
تَرْزُقَ هٰذِهِ الْمَرَاةِ زَوْجًا مُوَافِقًا غَيْرُ مُخَالِفٍ، بِحَقِّ
مُحَمَّدٍ وَ اٰلِهِ اَجْمَعِيْنَ.
Wa min kulli shai-in khalaqnaa zaujaini la-a’llakum
tadhakkaroon. Allaahumma bih’aqqi qaulika haadhaa wa bih’aqqi muh’ammadinw
wa a’leey. An tarzuqa haadhihil maraa-ti zaujam muwaafiqan ghaira mukhaalif.
Bih’aqqi muh’ammadinw wa aalihi ajmae’e’n.
“And of everything We have created pairs that you may
O Allah, by the right of this Your saying and by the right of Muhammad and
Ali (a.s.) that You bestow to this woman a suitable husband and not
unsuitable for her, by the right of Muhammad and all his progeny.
As for his own needs, he should write this
supplication and fasten it in her neck, then soon she will be married after
40 days, if Allah wills:
لاَ اِلٰهَ إِلاَّ اللهُ وَ اللهُ اَكْبَرُ، اَسْاَلُكَ مِنْ بَعْدِ
اَرْبَعِيْنَ وَ رَحْمَتُكَ، فَإِنَّهُمَا بِيَدَيْكَ لاَ يَمْلُكُهَا مِنْ
اَحَدٍ غَيْرُكَ، وَ صَلِّ عَلٰی مُحَمَّدٍ وَ اٰلِهِ اَجْمَعِيْنَ.
Laa ilaaha illallaahu allaahu Akbar, as-aluka mim
ba’di arbae’e’na wa rah’matuka, fa-inna humaa biyadaika laa yamlukuhaa min
ah’adin ghairuk. S’allallaahu a’laa muh’ammadinw wa aalihi ajmae’e’n.
There is no god except Allah, and Allah is the
greatest. I ask You after forty days and Your mercy, the two of them are
before You. No one has any power except You and bless Muhammad and all his
name of Allah, the Most Kind, the Most Merciful
- Importance of Early Marriage in
A Social, Cultural, Educational & Religious
E-Forum Under the Facilitation of the World Federation of KSI Muslim
Communities Issue No. 07-06, May 26, 2006 / Rabi' al Thaani 27, 1427 AH
The institution of marriage has been given
tremendous importance in Islam. Generally, in the terms of jurisprudence it
is highly recommended, but in many cases due to extraordinary circumstances,
it becomes obligatory and a religious duty. For instance, marriage becoming
obligatory when there is a chance of adultery or any other similar sin.
The Holy Prophet (SAW) said,"The best people of my Umma are those who
get married and have chosen their wives and the worst people of my
nation are those who have kept away from marriage and are passing their
lives as bachelors."(Mustadrakul Wasail by Muhaddith Noori, Vol 2,
As one matures physically, sexual desires
develop in the individual and gradually both girls and boys start getting
attracted to each other, which slowly develops into some sort of
psychological pressure. This natural and undirected emotion gradually seeks
solace in whatever form possible. Unfortunately more often than not, it
results in the youngsters deviating from the right path and indulging in
some unwanted and undesired habits. Before becoming victims of ill-directed
lust, it is better for them to get married and settle down. Therefore, the
leaders of Islam have advised their followers to follow this most important
Sunnah. As the Holy Prophet (SAW) states:"O youths, whosoever among you can marry,
he should do so because marriage protects your eyes (from indulging in
sin by looking lustfully at others in privacy."(Makaarimul Akhlaq).
Imam Sadiq (AS) narrates that one day the Holy
Prophet (SAW) went on the pulpit and said,"O people, Jibraeel has brought unto me a
divine command stating that girls are like fruits from a tree. If they
are not plucked in time then they get rotten by the rays of the sun and
a slight blow of the wind will result in their falling down from the
tree. Similarly, when girls attain maturity, then like other women they
develop emotions related to sex and there is no cure for it except her
husband. If they are not married, prevention of character corruption
becomes a remote possibility because after all they are human beings and
no human is free from vice."(Furoo-e-Kafi, Vol 5, Pg 337).
In yet another tradition from Mustadrakul
Wasail it is narrated that"When a youngster marries early in his
youth, Shaitaan cries out of desperation and says, Alas! This person has
protected one third of his religion, now he will protect the remaining
two thirds also."
Imam Sadiq (as) narrates from the Holy Prophet
(saww) that he said,"Those believers who marry, protect half
of their religion from danger."
In yet another tradition, Imam Sadiq (as)
says,"Two Rak'as of a married person is better
than seventy Rak'as of an unmarried one."(Wasailush Shia, Vol 5, Pg 1)
The Holy Prophet (saww) once said,"Whoever marries, protects half of his
religion, then for the remaining half he must only fear God."(La'alil Akhbar).
The sixth Imam, Imam Sadiq (as) says,"A sleeping married man is better than a
fasting unmarried man."
The Messenger of Islam (saww) said,"Do not marry a woman for the following
four reasons: Wealth, beauty, ancestry and lust. It is obligatory upon
you to marry a woman on account of her religion."(Jaame ul Akhbar).
In yet another tradition, the Messenger of
Islam (SAW) has prohibited his followers from marrying a beautiful woman
from a disgraceful background.(Bihar ul Anwar, Vol 23, Pg 54).
To get a good, modest and chaste spouse is
among the good fortunes of a person according to the leaders of Islam and is
also considered as one of the sources by which the religion of a person can
be protected. They have conveyed this message quite often that the worship
of a married person is much more significant and important before Allah than
that of a bachelor or a spinster.
The Holy Prophet (SAW) says:"Among the good fortunes of a man is to
have a good wife."Furoo-e-Kafi, Vol. 5, Pg. 327)
Source: Excerpt from An Article by Sajjad Ali By: Yusuf G Kermalli - (Sanford, USA)
Finding A Spouse - In Light
Of The Qur'an And Sunnah
In Islam it is clear that marriage is the optimum lifestyle.
"And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among
yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you
affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed Signs for people who
Yet, as more and more Muslims become a part of the 'West', the 'West'
becomes part of the Ummah and leads us away from the strict interpretation
of Islamic guidelines in regard to marriage.
Muslims are not permitted to touch, have social intercourse, have personal
relationships, have intimate relationships or date members of the opposite
sex outside of specific 'blood' relationships and marriage. Therefore, the
customs of the 'West' - dating, inter-gender gatherings, and Internet
communications that become personal are forbidden. There are some who would
disagree with this statement, saying that this is 'old-fashioned' and that
'times have changed'. we would counter by saying that the injunctions of the
Qur'an and Sunnah have never changed - they were written for all times and
all peoples. They are, in fact, the categorical imperative that Immanuel
Kant strove to find. This is opposed to the customs of the 'West'.
In cultures outside of Islam, dating and touching exist. We see the results
every day. Women and men go in and out of relationships, many children are
born out of wedlock, children remain fatherless. Fatherless homes are the
norm rather than the exception and these homes tend to have a lower standard
of living and a higher rate of troubled children.
Muslims are encouraged to marry - and to marry early. Holy Prophet (S.A.W.A)
said, "When a man marries, he indeed perfects half of his religion. Then
he should fear Allah for the remaining half."
Marriage eliminates the temptation for zina, thus assisting partners to
remain on the 'straight path' that Allah has created for us. Marriage is a
mercy for us.
Women are encouraged to marry a good Muslim man who offers himself. Men are
able to choose a woman based on her appearance, her wealth, her social
standing, or her God Consciousness - the latter being the greatest. Nowhere
does it say that women can choose based on educational degree or profession.
Nowhere does it say a woman or man may seek a spouse based on ethnicity or
nationality. Yet, often there are matrimonial ads placed by a woman or her
family seeking a 'professional man' or a man of specific ethnic or national
origin. Often we see matrimonial ads placed by a man looking for a woman of
specific educational degree or specific ethnicity or national origin.
The notion of 'arranged' marriages is still the Islamic way. Marriages may
be arranged by family, through a service, through friends, through
relatives. Today, especially in the West, there are many settings where
Muslims of opposite gender interact because of educational pursuit or
employment. It is possible that a couple may meet in a coeducational setting
(university) or a work setting and be attracted and wish to make intentions
for marriage. This must never be done through personal conversation or
interaction. This should not be prolonged. We know the dangers of this
The key to a good marriage arrangement is a good and capable person - one
who will do a thorough investigation and a good interview session; one in
which ALL questions are asked and answered.
In the many years we saw many people in extreme marital problems because
they did not have clear understanding of the responsibilities each expected
of the other in marriage. In Islam, this is never the case. The expectations
of marriage partners are clearly established. If there is conflict, it is
because of what we bring in - not what Islam directs.
While these are 'modern' times, Islam is the perfect religion - the
'categorical imperative' - in regard to the guidelines for life, including
marriage. AlHamdullillah!!!(Thank God) This has not changed - and will not
Muslim conferences and
conventions (like the one being held by the Islamic Society of North
America & Muslim American Society) are just one of the many places
Muslims in North America often meet potential spouses either to make
a decision or to initiate the marriage communication process.
Other places include fundraising dinners, regional seminars,
lectures, at the home of a relative or friend, and the local mosque.
Sadly though, Islamic guidelines pertaining to proper conduct
between the sexes are not always respected at these meetings.
It is not uncommon to see or hear about potential candidates meeting
in private, brothers and sisters “scoping the territory” for a
spouse that looks good at Muslim events like conferences or
lectures, or starting up a flirtatious conversation with someone
they are interested in. None of these things fall within the
guidelines of Islam.
Below are some Islamic principles,both general and specific, to
consider if you will be be meeting or seeking a potential spouse for
yourself or someone else at a conference, lecture, the mosque or
1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.
‘Because all of my friends are' is not a legitimate reason.
This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to
make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real
purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.
Marriage, from an Islamic perspective, is part of faith and it is
part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (saww).
As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom
I will build a family,” says Muhammad Nur Abdullah of St. Louis,
Missouri, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He has
conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for the last 20 years.
“Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya
(world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he
2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a
Prophet Muhammad (saww) said: “Men choose women for four reasons:
for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their
religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed”.
This of course, applies to women as well.
However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of
many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many
According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs
the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a
doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than
And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements for
instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and
“If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be
first,” says Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the
Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe.
She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic
way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find
a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship
with your spouse.
3. If you're looking for a spouse lower
This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a
spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically
attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the
gaze for both sexes and leering or ogling the person.
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is
purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).
“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and
to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to
draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).
“Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be
However, for the purpose of marriage looking at a potential mate
is permissible (definitely with limits) according to the Hadith:
Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: The Prophet (saww) said: “When one of
you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will
induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...”.
This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not
ogle or stare.
There is certainly limit on the number of times the two people can
look at each other, and both should fear Allah and remember the
purpose of this is to build an Islamic family.
It is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without
Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is
not possible, or legally her husband); seeing her face and hands are
enough to determine attraction, although some scholars allow to see
the hair as well.
4. Get someone to help
Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by
yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents,
relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the
Muslim community to either look for the right spouse and initiate
and participate in a communication process is very important.
In fact, even some non-Muslims have come to see this as a more
viable way of meeting someone instead of getting involved in the
disappointing dating game or picking someone up in a nightclub or
Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right
to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the
likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective
partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not
meeting alone, see next point).
Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person
you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This
person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's
character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in
This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a
Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic
way of doing things.
For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are
probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband
or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best
interest at heart.
However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children
are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately,
it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision.
They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this
pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the
person s/he is interested in.
If parents, other family members, an elderly figure or members of
the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband
or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of
different Muslim organizations.
Always ask for references
This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not
only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out
a prospective mate's references.
A reference can include an elder who knows the brother who proposed
to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a
family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.
A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know
something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them
that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting
from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking
marriage, complete information should be given about an individual,
both good and bad.
The advice of one of the Scholar, can help in this regard:
A man came to a Scholar and spoke in praise of another. The
Scholar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know
his goings and his comings?”
“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see
evidence of his good character?”
“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money]
which would indicate the piety of the man?”
“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and
moving his head up and down?”
“Go, for you do not know him...”
And to the man in question, the Scholar said, “Go and bring me
someone who knows you.”
This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective
mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has
traveled with them.
5. When you meet, don't be alone
Rasulullah (saww) said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the
Shaytan makes a third”.
Also, Ibn Abbas related that Rasulullah (saww) said: “Not one of you
should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative
within the prohibited degrees”.
Meeting alone, in the hotel room of one or the other potential
spouse for example, is forbidden. The two cannot be in a situation
where no one else can see or hear them.
Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The
chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for
As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends
Winnipeg-based social worker Shahina Siddiqui. A whole day, for
example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.
6. When you speak, be businesslike and to
The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain
within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a
sexual nature on either side.
Some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests,
financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for
providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses'
relationship with their parents.
Conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the
sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of
either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or
both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to
This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they
could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of
Islam, Insha Allah.
With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history
(for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type
of sexually transmitted diseases), these things have to be
investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for
marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at
the last stage.
Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages
include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and
education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live
right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country).
The couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy.
Some states even require this before marriage.
Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While
looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each
other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules
pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes.
ENGAGEMENT – A FEW POINTERS BY SAYYID MUHAMMAD RIZVI
Engagement is the time between acceptance of the marriage
proposal (khitba) and the marriage ceremony (‘aqd). Once the proposal is
accepted, the man and the woman are known as “engaged to be married” or
simply “engaged”. Engagement has no recognition in Islamic laws. It is
simply an agreement to marry but it is not a binding agreement, it can
be broken off with or without a reason.
Traditionally in all cultures, it is the man who proposes to the woman;
and it is done either directly by the man himself or on his behalf by
his family. In the
West, even now the man is expected to get down on his one-knee to
propose to the woman he wants to marry. In words of ‘Allama Murtaza
“From time immemorial man has approached woman with his proposal…
Nature has imbued woman with the disposition of a flower and made the
man the nightingale, woman the lamp and man the moth.”
“This is not the case with human beings only. Other animals also behave
like this. It is always the function of the male to present himself
earnestly before the female...” (The Rights of Women in Islam, p. 15-16)
Even the Qur’ăn asks the men to seek women for marriage. (See 4:3) And
so, in the proposal, it is the man who initiates and the woman who
accepts. In the actual marriage ceremony, however, it is the woman who
marriage and the man who accepts it.
When & To Whom?
Other than the mahram ladies whom he cannot marry, a man may
propose marriage to any single woman. (For list of the mahram ladies,
see the Qur’an 4:23-24.)
However, in the following four cases, proposal is not
appropriate.(Remember that the contemporary mujtahids have not expressed
their opinions on three of the four cases; but scholars of the early
centuries of the ghaybat have expressed their opinions.)marriage 2006
1. A divorcee who is in her three months’ waiting period (‘iddah) of the
revocable divorce (talaq, a divorce initiated by the husband.) It is
forbidden (harăm) to propose to her directly or indirectly before the
expiry of her ‘iddah. The divorced couple, in this case, may decide to
revoke their divorce during the grace period.
2. A divorcee who is in her three months’ waiting period (‘iddah) ofthe
irrevocable divorce (khula‘, a divorce initiated by the wife.)
It is forbidden (harăm) to propose to her directly but one is allowed to
propose to her indirectly.
3. A widow who is in her four months’ waiting period (‘iddah) after her
husband’s death. It is forbidden (harăm) to propose to her directly but
he is allowed to propose to her indirectly. (See the Qur’an 2:235)
4. An engaged woman: Is it permissible for man to propose a lady who is
already engaged? Among the past scholars, there are
two views on this issue: from makruh (irreprehensible) to harăm
(forbidden). However, if a woman who has just received a proposal but
has not yet responded to it positively, it is permissible to propose
her. In this case, if a man proposes to an engaged woman and eventually
marries her, then according to those who consider that proposal to be
haram, although the act of proposing is sinful but the actual marriage
between the two would still be valid.
There is no such thing as an engagement ceremony in Islam. “Engagement”
is just a nonbinding agreement to marry. However, Muslims have adopted
certain traditions from other cultures or made their own customs.
Technically, if traditions don’t violate the shari‘ah laws, then there
is no problem. For example , among the Shi‘as of north India, the man’s
family go with an “Imam zămin” to the girl’s family and tie it on her
arm as a well-wish gesture for the girl – this is done by the women of
the man’s family.
These days, many Muslim cultures have adopted the Western tradition of
giving or exchanging engagement rings. Apparently, this was first done
by Maximilian I, the Holy Roman Emperor , in 1477 when he gave a diamond
ring to Mary of Burgundy. However, there is a problem in this tradition:
since the engagement does not make the man and the woman mahram to one
another, they cannot touch one another even for giving the engagement
ring,they still have to observe the rules of hijab. The only solution is
to recite the temporary nikah for the purpose of becoming mahram only.
For more details, see my
Marriage & Morals
Problems & Conflicts
These days the so-called “engagement ceremony” is becoming more like a
mini marriage ceremony! I am not saying that don’t do your engagement
ceremony – if you do it within the bounds of shari‘ah, then there is no
problem, BUT don’t over do it! Don’t rob the actual marriage of its
Even the tradition of giving gifts –the man’s family gives to the
engaged woman– is overdone in some cultures. I am told that at every
occasion on our religious calendar, the boy’s family is expected to send
clothes and jewellery to the girl. This is okay; but it becomes a big
problem when the engagement is broken off.
1. If the engagement is broken off by one party, then the other cannot
claim for damages for breaking the agreement since it was of a
nonbinding nature. One cannot claim for damages for ‘loss of reputation’
or ‘depression’ or ‘air fare for our trips to visit you,’ or ‘the
deposit paid for the hall rental’ and etc. Remember you cannot unwind
your life; unpleasant things happen and you have to move on and carry on
with your life.
2. Of course, both parties have the right to ask back for the gifts
given to one another:
(a) If the gifts were of perishable nature (e.g., sweets), then there is
no basis for asking it back or its value.
(b) If the gifts were non-perishable (e.g., cash or jewellery),then
there is two possibilities:
i. If it still exists, then it should be given back.
ii. If it perished or doesn’t exist any more, then:
1. if it perished out of negligence, then pay its value.
2. if it perished without anyone’s fault, then there is nothing.
So keeping the engagement relationship simple helps in dealing with
potential problems later on. But if you still want to indulge in
extravagance during the engagement period, then those who give should be
prepared to forget everything in case the engagement is broken off and
those who receive should be prepared to consider the gifts as ‘trust’
and be prepared to give them back.
3. However, according to Islamic laws, the gifts given to a person
related to you by blood cannot be asked back. (Blood relationship means
biological relationship as opposed to relationship through marriage.)
So, for example, if the engagement is between cousins and then it is
broken off, the parties cannot ask back for the gifts that they had
given to one another.
10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person
There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage.
The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding
relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical
questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes
that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting
to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an
accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows
that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them. The
problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that
time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal
dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of
friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie,
playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on the family
or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse,
unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these limitations it makes
one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations
take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to
suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the “getting to
know someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to
look for and avoid:
1) Do Not Marry Potential: Oftentimes men consider marrying a
woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she
hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t
assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that
they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that
those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If
you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t
marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as
ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene,
communication skills, etc.
2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction
are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote
follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The
idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying
someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most
important character traits to look for include humility, kindness,
responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:
Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but
rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles
above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and
Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They
seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a
giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do
they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for
them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for
them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e.
waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their
money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction
to someone else’s anger?
Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their
finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this
person and trust what they say.
Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in
life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They
focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very
3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Both men
and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be
successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need
of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be
respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give her the three
AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give
him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation
of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy
as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the
other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously
the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his
sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs
of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love
and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages
both giving and receiving.
4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can either grow
together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the
chance that you will grow together.
You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they
ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this
passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your
beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life
partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should
first figure out your destination.
5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:
Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to
refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms
as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a
relationship between a man and a woman.
Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets
physical before its time, important issues like character, life
philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently,
everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the
important issues let alone talk about them.
Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions
that you must answer YES to:
Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do
I respect and admire about this person?
Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust
their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this
person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I
Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until
you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe
now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this
won’t change when you are married!
7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone
you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting
and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong
and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your
feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive
relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you
are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are
always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive
relationship. Look for the following things:
Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you
act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your
hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between
suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if
the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be
consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive
Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a
regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you,
uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with
this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually
come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone
you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting
married or before even thinking about getting married.
Beware of Lack of Openness In
Your Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not putting
everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What
do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?”
“What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very
important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and
things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an
honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of
your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great
opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work
together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each
other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is
being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see
how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do
they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you?
Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they
say but watch for how they
9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important
to remember no
one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the
mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life
better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize
that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be
miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with
yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going
now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on
improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring
these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.
Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner:
Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available.
One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties
to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it
rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on
his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt
a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:
Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who
don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally
available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies,
insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with
depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental;
tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are
afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel
their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and
feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they
don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment
towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build
Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to
build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict.
Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about
addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping,
money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction,
they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an
intimate relationship with you!
Additional Points to Consider:
The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we
marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we
love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall
Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for
it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in
front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others,
is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean
about their character?”
Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief
system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions
like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your
expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?”
Compare your definition with theirs.
Be flexible. Be open-minded!
Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It
should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy
because of your connection with them.
Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in
addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and
spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship.
If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account
with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to
you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not
causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will
foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one
that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of
self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the
physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional
side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and
emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and
by Dr. Nafisa Sekandari & Hosai Mojaddidi
The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
Some Marriage websites ( these are external
links & may be used with discretion)