PRE MARRIAGE WORKBOOK   

Spouse selection work book click here PDF

IN THE NAME OF ALLAH THE BENEFICENT THE MERCIFUL

 

MARRY THOSE AMONG YOU WHO ARE SINGLE, OR THE VIRTUOUS ONES AMOUNG YOUR SLAVES, MALE OR FEMALE: IF THEY ARE IN POVERTY, ALLAH WILL GIVE THEM MEANS OUT OF HIS GRACE: FOR ALLAH ENCOMPASSES ALL, AND HE KNOWS ALL THINGS.(Surah Al-Noor, 24:32)

People think they have to find their soul-mate to have a good MARRIAGE.YOU IS not going to “find” your soul-mate. People you meet already have soul-mates—their mothers, their fathers, and their lifelong friends. Once You get married, and after 20 years of loving each other, bearing with each other, RAISING kids together, and meeting challenges together—THEN you’ll have “created” your soul-mate.

Email: aliazimshirazi@yahoo.com

CONTENTS

˛ Introduction-----------------------------06

˛ Importance of marriage in Islam-----------------08

˛ Purpose of marriage in Islam---------------------10

˛ Personality types-------------------------------12

˛ Natural differences b/t men & women------------14

˛ Well-adjusted people---------------------------16

˛ In your opinion--------------------------------20

˛ Three fundamental areas------------------------22

˛ With whom one can’t get married----------------34

˛ Best man as husband----------------------------35

˛ Best women as wife-----------------------------37

˛ Steps to follow---------------------------------38

˛ Two rakat prayers-------------------------------39

˛ Is love enough---------------------------------41

˛ Pre-marriage mutual questions------------------42

˛ Impact of spiritual interest-----------------------45

˛ Haq e Maher-----------------------------------46

˛ Marriage goes through--------------------------48

˛ Understanding mates----------------------------51

˛ Conflict resolution-----------------------------54

˛ Relationship analysis----------------------------58

˛ Our attitude-----------------------------------62

˛ Real Expectations-------------------------------67

˛ Personal needs---------------------------------71

˛ Better Communication--------------------------74

˛ Question & answer-----------------------------80

˛ Our Duties------------------------------------84

˛ Rights & Duties of Spouses-----------------------85

˛ Love and affection-----------------------------90

˛ Importance of sex in Islam-----------------------93

˛ Financial issues--------------------------------102

˛ In-laws-----------------------------------------------------103

˛ Perfect mates---------------------------------106

 

 

Publisher’s Foreword

 

The All-knowing and All-Wise Creator created humans so that they may attain perfection. He appointed perfection as the goal and purpose of mankind, and to achieve this great aim He provided guidance and education. He made the first human a Prophet and the last to be raised from this world will also be the proof Allah.

إِنَّمَا أَنتَ مُنذِرٌوَلِكُلِّ قَوْمٍ هَادٍ

(13:7)

“…Thou art a warner only, and for every people a guide.”

That is to say that mankind needs to be educated at every moment so that it may attain its great purpose. Sensing this need the Hadi Foundation has taken the responsibility to provide educational opportunities in line with Islamic principles to the followers of the People of the Houseعin various languages. In order to fulfill this great undertaking the Hadi Foundation is in need of your well wishes, guidance and prayers.

 

Introduction

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful

O’ Allah, send Your blessings upon Muhammad (PBUH) & his progeny.

Islam is a religion that is manifestly a perfect code for a life that is in harmony with nature. The purpose of Islam is to guide humanity towards perfection and to communicate the rules and ordinances of how to live life, the following of which, leads mankind towards perfection both individually and socially. The learned and wise are in agreement with the view that a prosperous society develops from successful families whose success in turn stems from a husband and wife’s codependent union. This success depends upon choosing an appropriate life partner, to be exact, a choice that keeps religious guidelines, standards and requisites in view. Regarding the importance of marriage The Holy Prophet (PBUH) has stated:

مَابُنِیَ فی الاسلام بَنٰاءٌ اَحَبُّ اِلَی اللہِ مِنَ التَّزویج

“There is no foundation beloved by Allah than that of marriage.”

In Islam, marriage has great importance because this effects all of society and to highlight its importance this small work is presented for your benefit.

The goal of this workbook is not only to prepare you intellectually, emotionally and in a meaningful way, but to also instruct you in choosing a life partner properly. It is not only so that you fulfill your responsibilities and duties related to your life partner, but also to make you ready to face future difficulties and problems in a positive way, as most people become involved in various difficulties after marriage.

The religion of Islam presents a holy image of marriage that becomes evident from the sayings of the Prophet (PBUH) who has declared that:

مَنْ تَزَوَّجَ أَحْرَزَ نِصْفَ دِينِهِ

“Whomsoever weds, safeguards half his religion.”

Keeping the youth’s biological instincts (needs) in mind Islam recommends marriage to safeguard from sexual deviance. Apart from taking up western thought, another cause of failure in marriages is being uninformed about Islam notions, not being aware of the qualities and conditions of choosing a life partner, or not acting upon them.

Having learned of the difficulties and needs of people from different countries through educational forums, workshops and social functions for some years this work-book has been prepared to meet the current needs of society, Islamic and Eastern culture, in focus. While teaching and examining the needs and troubles in society over many years we have prepared a variety of books, and workbooks so that the complexities and problems can be solved practically through the teachings of the Quran and in the light of the narrations of the Purified Imams ع of guidance.

This pre-marriage preparation work-book encourages the Individuals to think objectively and wisely about getting married. The pain resulting from canceling a wedding ceremony cannot be compared to the pain experienced in a troubled marriage or an unexpected divorce.

I pray to Almighty Allah that this work-book may prove as useful and helpful for the seekers of successful marital life. I would like to express my gratitude to all respected brothers and sisters who, in a way or another, helped to compile this work-book. May Almighty Allah grant them the reward through the progeny of His Prophet (s.a.w.), both in this world and the next world, Elahiameen.

 

Ali Azim Shirazi

Sept 2011

1432 Hijri, ق

 

 

 

 

 

POINT TO PONDER!

Getting married without pre-marriage preparation is like appearing in an important examination without studying.

Most individuals just don’t realize that a good skill-based pre-marriage course can reduce the risk of divorce by up to thirty percent and lead to a significantly happier marriage. It can also reduce the stress of the pre-wedding period and can help individuals to discover new things about marriage. It prepares individuals to start dealing with issues at the source even before they arise, that they have a good foundation to build on. Many marriages break down because people don’t know what it takes to make a marriage work.

Couples now face more demands and have fewer supports than ever before. The typical complex marriage-managing two careers while rearing children-really requires that couples have very strong, well-established abilities to communicate, resolve issues, maintain mutuality and set goals. Without this foundation, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by stress and time pressures. Problems can intrude much more easily than most couple realize.

Marriage preparation classes, workshops or courses are an alternative or supplementary approach to educating engaged couples and newlyweds in the skills, habits, attitudes, and enrichment techniques that leads to happy, enduring marriages.

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

If you are confused about the good or bad effects of an action, then study carefully the cause and you will know the effects will be.

Nehjul Balagh

Importance of marriage in Islam

Holy Prophet (PBUH) said:

“There has not been created any institution in Islam which is more favored and dearer to Allah than marriage.”

(Mustadrak ul wasail, vol, 1)

 

Islam established its own theory for the process of spouse selection. The issue of marriage in Islam is not an issue of mere sexual satisfaction. Islam considers marriage an institution to establish a family. Therefore, Islam urges marriage seekers to select long lasting relationships, establish beloved, and caring families, which should serve the society. All these conditions would not be fulfilled unless there is a pious and righteous spouse, who is mindful of the commands of Allah (s.w.t.) and careful about all duties entrusted to him or her. However, other issues of social life must not be neglected.

Allah (S.W.T.) states in Quran

وَأَنكِحُوا الْأَيَامَى مِنكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ إِن يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاء يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِن فَضْلِهِ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ

“Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among your slaves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His Grace: for Allah encompassed all and He knows all things”.

Sura al-Nur(24:32)

The above ayat begins with the words wa ankehoo (and marry…) the imperative form of the word ‘Nikah’.Implies that either it is obligatory or highly recommended. According to scholars, though marriage is a highly recommended act, it becomes obligatory when there is a chance of falling into sin.

Holy Prophet (PBUH) said:

“The best people of my nation (Ummat) are those who get married and have chosen their wives, and the worst people of my nation are those who have kept away from marriage and are passing their lives as bachelors.”

Imam Ali (A.S.) said:

“Marry, because marriage is the tradition of the Prophet.”

Purpose of Marriage in Islam

 

According to Quran

 

نِسَآؤُكُمْ حَرْثٌ لَّكُمْ فَأْتُواْ حَرْثَكُمْ أَنَّى شِئْتُمْ وَقَدِّمُواْ لأَنفُسِكُمْ وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ وَاعْلَمُواْ أَنَّكُم مُّلاَقُوهُ وَبَشِّرِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ

Your wives are a tilth unto you; so you approach your tilth when or how you will; but do some good acts for your souls beforehand; and fear God, and know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe.

(The Heifer 2:223)

According to Hadith

 

The Holy Prophet (PBUH) said:

Whoever gets married protects half of his/her faith, the remaining half is being careful of the duties towards Allah.

(Jamayul akahbar)

 

Many couples enter marriage unrealistically. Allah (S.W.T.) wants us to be full of "faith & wisdom”.

By getting married one can achieve the following:

 

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect”.

Surah Ar-Rum, (30:21)

 

v PEACE &TRANQUALITY

v LOVE & AFFECCTION

v MERCY OF ALLAH (S.W.T.)

v SELF DEVELOPMENT

v REGULATION OF SEXUAL BEHAVIOR

v COMPANIONSHIP

v SENSE OF SECURITY

v REPRODUCTION

v PROVISION OF SOCIAL STATUS

v SUSTAINANCE

Personality types

 

We all naturally use one mode of operation within each category more easily and more frequently than we use the other mode of operation. So, we are said to "prefer" one function over the other. The combination of our four "preferences" defines our personality type. Although everybody functions across the entire spectrum of the preferences, each individual has a natural preference to which leans within the four categories.

 

Personality Types

 

The theory of Personality Types, as it stands today, contends that:

An individual is either primarily Extroverted or Introverted

An individual is either primarily Sensing or Intuitive

An individual is either primarily Thinking or Feeling

An individual is either primarily Judging or Perceiving

The possible combinations of the basic preferences form 16 different Personality Types. This does not mean that all (or even most) individuals will fall strictly into one category or another. If we learn by applying this tool that we are primarily Extroverted that does not mean that we don't also perform introverted activities. We all function in all of these realms on a daily basis. As we grow and learn, most of us develop the ability to function well in realms which are not native to our basic personalities. In the trials and tribulations of life, we develop some areas of ourselves more thoroughly than other areas. With this in mind, it becomes clear that we cannot box individuals into prescribed formulas for behavior. However, we can identify our natural preferences, and learn about our natural strengths and weaknesses within that context.

The theory of Personality Types contends that each of us has a natural preference which falls into one category or the other in each of these four areas, and that our native Personality Type indicates how we are likely to deal with different situations that life presents, and in which environments we are most comfortable.

Learning about our Personality Type helps us to understand why certain areas in life come easily to us, and others are more of a struggle. Evaluating other people's Personality Types helps us to understand the most effective way to communicate with them, and how they function best.

Sixteen personality types:

 

THE IDEALIST

 

THE EXECUTIVE

 

THE CAREGIVER

 

THE SCIENTIST

 

THE VISIONARY

 

THE PERFORMER

 

THE NURTURE

 

 

THE INSPIRER

 

THE ARTIST

 

THE DOER

 

THE GUARDIAN

 

 

THE THINKER

 

THE DUTY FULFILLER

 

 

THE MECHANIC

 

 

THE GIVER

 

 

THE PROTECTOR

 

MEN AND WOMEN’S QUALITIES AND NATURAL DIFFERENCES

 

From knowing men and women’s personalities and qualities, a good relationship can be established and in their life peace and tranquility can be borne. This is why we wish to draw attention to some points:

· Men prefer silence whereas women are fond of speaking.

· Men usually speak about 14,000 words a day and women usually speak 26,000 in a day.

· In everyday work, if it is asked of men, they will say that they remember or think about their spouses once or twice in a day, but a woman will say she thinks about her husband with every chore and during most of her day.

· Women work attentively and calmly, whereas men work quickly and less attentively.

· Women are quick to believe, whereas men do not become certain so easily.

· Women accept things readily, but men are not so accepting.

· Daughters begin speaking sooner than boys.

· Women sense their husbands moods quickly, whether it’s good or bad, happy or sad, whereas men are not so observant.

· Men are not good listeners, women on the other hand are very good listeners.

· Men are proud and selfish in youth but in maturity they become kind. Women are kind in their youth and become selfish and proud in maturity.

· Men are not inclined to formalities but women like formalities and pleasantries.

· When women watch passionate, exciting or emotional movies or other entertainment (film, theatre, book, etc…) they remember it long after, whereas men forget soon after.

· Men look at things with an all-encompassing view and women look at things piece wise.

· Men usually speak logically but women use passionate and emotional language.

· Men do not usually get affected by women but women get affected by men.

· Men give more importance to the frequency of sexual relations, whereas women give importance to the quality of the encounter.

· Men think about the future, but women stay in past memories.

· When men become ill they make more of a fuss, but when women fall ill they do not show it as much.

· Men prefer masculinity and want to lead a tough and hard life, but women are filled with kindness, love and peacefulness and raise their children with love and graciousness.

· Men develop addictions more readily, whereas women do not.

· Men prefer those children of theirs that resemble them or obey them, whereas mothers love all of their children equally.

· When the unexpected or accidents happen, of the eight parts of the brain only one part becomes preoccupied negatively within men, whereas all eight parts of a women’s brain become preoccupied (confused).

· Men do not have the ability to multitask, whereas women are involved in multiple chores at once such as cooking, teaching the children and having a conversation all at once.

· Men become infatuated after seeing, but women become infatuated after just hearing.

· Women obey men to obtain their love and men love so that women will obey them.

· Women are stingy and men usually spend openly or with ease.

· Men are weaker than women when it comes to fostering relationships, listening and learning language whereas women are quick to form relationship, and are better at listening and language.

· Men seek the solutions to problems through silence and alone, and women seek solutions through conversations with others.

· Men forget faces and names and that’s why they loss memory sooner than women, whereas women remember names and faces, that is why they do not loss memory as early as men.

· Men are inclined to evidence and proofs and use logic and arrive at decisions sooner and do not admit their own faults generally. Women use inductions and give importance to passions and emotions and do not arrive at decisions readily.

· Due to a sorrowful; and painful event men’s heart beat and blood pressure rises quickly and return to normal after a long time. Men do not return quickly to a peaceful and calm state. Women’s blood pressure and heart rate take longer to elevate as compared to men and return to normal sooner. Women bring themselves back to a peaceful and calm state sooner.

The best and most wonderful thing is differences in humans, and from these qualities listed below we can gain some benefits:

1) Men and women complete each other, men’s qualities compliment women’s deficiencies and women’s qualities compliment men’s deficiencies.

2) Between married couples the real cause of fights, the pain and arguments is their trying to accomplish their purpose according with regards to their qualities.

3) Women focus on details in difficulties and problems, and they are more emotional. But men view their problems in relation to the complete life situation and act logically.

4) Men’s qualities should not be thought of as being inherently better or vice versa after reading this.

5) One should pay attention so that men and women make up for each other’s short comings and faults. If they keep complimenting each other than often with problems and difficulties they will adopt logical, intelligent and principled approaches and the problem can be solved properly. This is why this information and qualities will be significant for the husband and wife in end their differences.

 

 

 

Well-adjusted people

 

Some people are quite well-adjusted, while others are not. Well-adjusted people would look something like this:

 

 

Optimistic rather than negative and pessimistic.

Realistic rather than unrealistic.

Respectful rather than disrespectful.

Organized rather than unorganized.

Happy rather than depressed.

Able to communicate rather than remaining silent.

Sensitive to others rather than insensitive.

Flexible rather than rigid and controlled.

Patient rather than impatient.

 

HONEST TO OTHERS RATHER THAN MANIPULATIVE.

SECURE RATHER THAN INSECURE.

HUMBLE RATHER THAN PROUD.

THOUGHTFUL RATHER THAN IMPULSIVE

have GOOD SELF-ESTEEM RATHER THAN LOW

SELF-ESTEEM.

OBJECTIVE RATHER THAN SUBJECTIVE.

RESPONSIBLE RATHER THAN IRRESPONSIBLE.

SYMPATHETIC AND CARING RATHER THAN UNSYMPATHETIC.

SELF-AWARE AND OPEN RATHER THAN DEFENSIVE.

 

 

Make a list of the feelings you believe are most prominent in you

 

POSITIVE FEELINGS

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEGATIVE FEELINGS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MAKE A LIST OF POSITIVE HABITS AND ATTITUDE YOU WOULD LOVE TO SEE IN YOUR LIFE PARTNER. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MAKE A LIST OF NEGATIVE HABITS AND ATTITUDE YOU WOULD HATE TO SEE IN YOUR LIFE PARTNER.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

IN YOUR OPINION

 

˛ ARE YOU QUITE WELL-ADJUSTED?

 

 

 

˛ ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH OTHERS WHEN IT COMES TO SHARE YOUR FEELINGS, IDEAS & PROBLEMS?

 

 

 

˛ DO YOU MAKE AND MANTAIN FRIENDS EASILY?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT IS THE RIGHT TIME AND AGE TO GET MARRIED?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ABOUT EARLY MARRIAGES?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT ARE YOUR AREAS OF STRENGTH & WEAKNESS?

 

 

 

 

˛ HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT ARE THE QUALITIES OF A GOOD HUSBAND?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT ARE THE QUALITIES OF A GOOD WIFE?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT ARE THE QUALITIES AND DUTIES OF A GOOD MOTHER?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT ARE THE QUALITIES AND DUTIES OF A GOOD FATHER?

 

 

 

˛ ARE YOU PREPARED TO FULFIL YOUR DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES TOWARDS YOUR PROSPECTIVE MATE?

 

 

 

 

Three Fundamental areas that will critically impact your Marriage.

 

v WHAT ARE THE PRIME CONDITIONS OF GETTING MARRIED IN ISLAM?

 

 

 

v WHAT ARE THE CRITERIA FOR SELECTING A SPOUSE?

 

 

 

v WHAT ARE THE AREAS OF COMPATIBILITY?

 

 

 

 

1) Conditions

 

ACCORDING TO ISLAM THE PERSON WHO INTENDS TO MARRY SHOULD BE:

 

 

1) BA’LIGH

2) A’QIL

3) BE LOVINGE & HAVE EMOTIONAL CONTROL

4) BE SOCIALLY DEVELOPED

5) HAVE NO PHYSICAL DISORDER

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Criteria

 

 

EVALUATE YOURSELF

v On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the ideal, how would you rate yourself?

 

A. SPIRITUALLY

B. MORALLY

C. PHYSICALLY

D. COMPATIBILITY

 

 

 

A) Spirituality

الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ أُوْلَئِكَ مُبَرَّؤُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ

Bad women .are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. Good women are for good men and good men are for good women.

(Surah Light 24:26)

FAITH

The first criterion of the selection of a husband or a wife is his or her Faith- Faith in Islam and the way of life to which it has called humanity. The Islamic society is an ideological one. In every such society faith in its ideology is the main orbit of its life. It is the motivating force which pushes that society towards goals which it has-set before it. That is why while devising any social system or law it has to take into consideration all the factors which may strengthen or weaken faith in its ideology.

 

A man questioned the Prophet of Islam (PBUH), "Whom must we marry?”He replied, "The suitable (matches). Who are the suitable matches?"The Prophet (PBUH) responded, "Some of the faithful are match for others.’’

Wassail ash-Shea, vol. 14 p.49)

 

 

 

Imam Sadiq (A.S.) said:

“An intelligent and wise woman must not be matched except with a sage and wise man.”

 

 

The Holy Prophet (PBUH) said:

“Do not marry only for the beauty, maybe the beauty becomes the cause of moral decline. Do not marry even for the sake of wealth, maybe the wealth becomes the reason of disobedience; marry rather on the ground of religious devotion and piety.

 

EVALUATE YOUR SELF

v On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the ideal, how would you rate yourself?

 

 

1) FAITH

2) PURIFICATION

3) PRAYERS

4) MODESTY

B) Morality

One of the companions of the tenth Imam says:
I wrote a letter to Imam Abu Jaffa, asking him some questions about marriage.
In his reply the Imam wrote:
"The Holy Prophet has said: As soon as a suitor, who is religious and with whose manners you are satisfied, comes to you asking for matrimonial alliance take action to accomplish marriage with him. If you will not do so, you will have deviated from the right path and may be faced with a great crisis".

Another companion of the Imam wrote to him on this very subject. In reply the Imam wrote back:"If you are satisfied with the religiousness and uprightness of a suitor, do marry. Otherwise . . .”

 

ILL-NATURED

 

Imam Raze (A.S.) wrote in reply to a person who had asked him if it was advisable to marry his daughter to a person known for his ill nature, "If he is ill-natured (bad tempered), don't marry your daughter to him." The same will apply where the bride-to-be lacks a good nature. Such a woman, though she may be beautiful and rich, would make the life of her husband miserable. She can never be patient in the difficulties that arise in married life.

(Makarim e Akhlaq pg, 203)

 

EVALUATE YOURSELF

v On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the ideal, how would you rate yourself?

 

1. ATTITUDE

2. BEHAVIOR

3. HUMOUR

In your opinion

˛ DOES RELIGION PLAY AN IMPORTANT PART IN MARITAL LIFE?

 

 

 

 

˛ WHAT WILL BE THE IMPACT OF EDUCATION ON MARRIAGE?

 

 

 

 

˛ WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO MARRY IN A DECENT FAMILY?

 

 

 

 

˛ DO YOU THINK ONE SHOULD CONSIDER INTELLECTUAL AND CULTURAL INTERESTS BEFORE MARRIAGE?

 

 

 

˛ DO YOU THINK PHYSICAL APPEARANCE CAN BE EFFECTIVE WITHIN THE MARITAL LIFE?

 

 

 

 

˛ WHAT IS YOUR FINANCIAL GOAL IN LIFE?

 

 

 

 

˛ WHAT SHOULD BE YOUR BASIC APPROCH TO MARRIAGE? AS A TEAM OR AS TWO INDEPENDENT INDIVIDUALS?

 

 

 

 

C) Physical Appearance

 

Though religiousness and piety are most important, it does not mean that we disregard the physical appearance and beauty of the prospective spouse.

 

 

Holy Prophet (PBUH) said:

"When one intends to marry a woman, he should ask about her hair, just as he asks about her face (beauty), since the hair is one of the two beauties (of women)."

 

 

 

D) Compatibility (Kufw)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Decent family

The messenger of Allah (s.w.t.) has given great emphasis on taking into consideration a good family background when we intend to marry. He said, "Marry into the lap of a Decent Family, since the semen and the genes have effects."

 

The Holy Prophet (PBUH) said:

"Look very carefully and minutely as to where you are placing your child because genes and hereditary qualities are transferred in a concealed and unintentional way and have their effects."

 

The Prophet (PBUH) says, "Some of the faithful are match for others.’’

(Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.49)

EVALUATE YOURSELF & YOUR PROSPECTIVE MATE

RELIGIOUS

 

V. Religious

Religious

Secular

Other

AGE

 

20-25

26-30

31-35

36 & +

EDUCATION

 

FSC (O’LEVELS)

GRADUATE (A’LEVELS)

MASTERS

Other

FAMILY

 

SINGLE PARENT

NECULER

EXTENDED

Other

FINANCIAL

 

LOW

MIDDLE

HIGH

Other

CULTURE

 

EASTERN

WESTERN

MIXED

Other

 

RELIGIOUS

 

V. Religious

Religious

Secular

Other

AGE

 

20-25

26-30

31-35

36 & +

EDUCATION

 

FSC (O’LEVELS)

GRADUATE (A’LEVELS)

MASTERS

Other

FAMILY

 

SINGLE PARENT

NECULER

EXTENDED

Other

FINANCIAL

 

LOW

MIDDLE

HIGH

Other

CULTURE

 

EASTERN

WESTERN

MIXED

Other

 

With whom MAY one not get married?

v According to Quran

 

وَلاَ تَنكِحُواْ الْمُشْرِكَاتِ حَتَّى يُؤْمِنَّ وَلأَمَةٌ مُّؤْمِنَةٌ خَيْرٌ مِّن مُّشْرِكَةٍ وَلَوْ أَعْجَبَتْكُمْ وَلاَ تُنكِحُواْ الْمُشِرِكِينَ حَتَّى يُؤْمِنُواْ وَلَعَبْدٌ مُّؤْمِنٌ خَيْرٌ مِّن مُّشْرِكٍ وَلَوْ أَعْجَبَكُمْ أُوْلَئِكَ يَدْعُونَ إِلَى النَّارِ وَاللّهُ يَدْعُوَ إِلَى الْجَنَّةِ وَالْمَغْفِرَةِ بِإِذْنِهِ وَيُبَيِّنُ آيَاتِهِ لِلنَّاسِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَذَكَّرُونَ

Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: a slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allureS you. Nor marry (your girl) to AN unbeliever: a man slave is better than an unbeliever, even though he allureS TO you .UnbelieverS do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But God beckons by His grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and make His Signs clear to mankind: that they may celebrate His praise.

(The Heifer 2:221)

 

وَلاَ تَنكِحُواْ مَا نَكَحَ آبَاؤُكُم مِّنَ النِّسَاء إِلاَّ مَا قَدْ سَلَفَ إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَمَقْتًا وَسَاء سَبِيلاً

AND MARRY NOT WOMEN WHOM YOUR FATHERS MARRIED-EXCEPT WHAT IS PAST: IT WAS SHAMEFUL AND ODIOUS- AN ABOMINABLE CUSTOM INDEED.

(THE WOMEN 4:22)

Best Husband

 

Islam cares a lot for the woman and urges Muslim to be the best for their families, and wives in particular.

v According to Quran

 

وَإِنِ امْرَأَةٌ خَافَتْ مِن بَعْلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوْ إِعْرَاضًا فَلاَ جُنَاْحَ عَلَيْهِمَا أَن يُصْلِحَا بَيْنَهُمَا صُلْحًا وَالصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌ وَأُحْضِرَتِ الأَنفُسُ الشُّحَّ وَإِن تُحْسِنُواْ وَتَتَّقُواْ فَإِنَّ اللّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًا

IF A WIFE FEARS CRUELTY OR DESERTION ON HER HUSBAND'S PART, THERE IS NO BLAME ON THEM IF THEY ARRANGE AN AMICABLE SETTLEMENT BETWEEN THEMSELVES; AND SUCH SETTLEMENT IS BEST; EVEN THOUGH MEN'S SOULS ARE SWAYED BY GREED. BUT IF YOU DO WELL AND PRACTICE SELF-RESTRAINT, GOD IS WELL-ACQUAINTED WITH ALL THAT YOU DO.

(THE WOMEN 4:128)

 

وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

AND TREAT THEM KINDLY;

(THE WOMEN 4:19)

 

 

 

v According to HADITH

 

 

Holy Prophet (PBUH) said:

“The most perfect Believers in terms of faith are those, who possess the best character and manners. The best among you are those who are best to their women. I, as Allah's Messenger (p.b.u.h.), am the best among you to my family”.

 

Imam Ali (A.S.) said:

THE value of each man depends upon the art and skill which he has attained.

Your supremacy over others is proportion to the extent of your knowledge and wisdom.

 

 

BEST WIFE

The Holy Prophet (PBUH)

“The best of your women is one who perfumes herself, prepares delicious food and would not overindulge in spending. Such a woman is a representative and one of the workforces of Allah, and a person who works for Allah would never be faced with regret or defeat.”

 

 

 

 

Imam Sadiq (A.S)

“There is nothing better in the world than a good wife. And a good wife is the one whose husband becomes glad upon seeing her.”

 

 

 

STEPS TO FOLLOW

وَشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الأَمْرِ فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللّهِ إِنَّ اللّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَوَكِّلِينَ

…And consult them in affairs (of moments).Then, when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). (Surah Al-‘Imran 3:159)

 

1) GUIDANCE & COUNSELLING

 

2) REPRESENTATIVE

 

3) PARENTS VISIT

 

4) COMMUNICATION BETWEEN BOY & GIRL

 

5) EXCHANGE OF PICTURES

 

6) MEET EACH OTHER

 

Prayers for successful family life

 

v According to Quran

 

وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

And those who pray, “Our lord! Grant to us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous”.

(The Criterion 25:74)

 

وَبَشِّرِ الَّذِين آمَنُواْ وَعَمِلُواْ الصَّالِحَاتِ أَنَّ لَهُمْ جَنَّاتٍ تَجْرِي مِن تَحْتِهَا الأَنْهَارُ كُلَّمَا رُزِقُواْ مِنْهَا مِن ثَمَرَةٍ رِّزْقاً قَالُواْ هَذَا الَّذِي رُزِقْنَا مِن قَبْلُ وَأُتُواْ بِهِ مُتَشَابِهاً وَلَهُمْ فِيهَا أَزْوَاجٌ مُّطَهَّرَةٌ وَهُمْ فِيهَا خَالِدُونَ

and convey good news to those who believe and do good deeds, that they shall have gardens in which rivers flow; whenever they shall be given a portion of the fruit thereof, they shall say: this is what was given to us before; and they shall be given the like of it, and they shall have pure mates in them, and in them, they shall abide.

(The Heifer 2:25)

 

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (A.S.)

 

When a person intends to send a proposal for marriage, he must pray two rakat prayers, praise Allah and recite the following invocation:

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيْم

اَللّهُمَّ اِنِّى اُرِيْدُ اَنْ اَتَزَوَّجَ فَقَدِّرْ لِىْ مِنَ النِّسَّآءِ اَعَفَّهُنَّ فَرْجًا وَّ اَحْفَظَهُنَّ لِىْ فِىْ نَفْسِهَا وَ مَا لِىْ وَ اَوْسَعَهُنَّ لِىْ رِزْقًا وَ اَعْظَمَهُنَّ لِىْ بَرَكَةً فِىْ نَفْسِهَا وَ مَا لِىْ اَنَّىْ اَتْرُكُ فَقَدِّرْ لِىْ مِنْهَا وَ لَدًا طَيِّبًا تَجْعَلَهُ خَلَفًا صَالِحًا فِىْ حَيوتِىْ وَ بَعْدَ مَوْتِىْ.

Transliteration: Bismillah hir Rah’maanir Rah’eem Allaahumma inni oreedo an atazawwaja faqaddirli minannisaa-e- a-’affahunna farjawn wa ah’faz’ahunna li fi nafseha wa maali wa aw sa-a’-hunna li rizqan wa a’-z’amahunna li barakatan fi nafseha wa maali anna atroko faqaddirli minha waladan t’ayyaban taj-a’lahu khalafan s’aaleh’an fi h’ayaati wa ba’da mauti.

 

Translation: In the name of Allah the Beneficent, the Merciful. O Allah! I intend to marry. Therefore destine for me the most chaste of women and one who would, for my sake, guard herself and my property. Who shall be most auspicious for increase in sustenance and bounties? Then from her womb bestow a pure son who would be my sweet reminiscence in my life and after my death.

 

IS LOVE ENOUGH?

 

You have grown up in distinctly different families. You have your own thoughts and feelings about marriage, children, religion, sex, work and careers, and money management. Each of you has priorities and expectations about the way people should conduct themselves in marriage. But have you openly discussed and evaluated your priorities and expectations? Unexpressed expectations are the seeds of trouble and conflict. One of the first questions we ask couples in our spouse selection workshops is, “What do you think is the most important ingredient to have in a good marriage?”

You’ll never know everything about the person you’ve chosen to marry. But the more information you have before entering into this commitment, the less chance you will be confronted with unfulfilled expectations.

With the life mate decision, you’re not only marrying a person of the opposite sex, you’re determining:

Your future mother-in-law; your future father-in-law; your children’s grandparents; your children’s other parent; your future nieces and nephews, and all of the rest of your in-laws; where you, and your children, will likely spend holidays, and birthdays for the next fifty plus years. The success or failure of your marriage impacts a lot of people. Communicate honestly and clearly on these issues. Your extended family for generations to come will be influenced by your discussions and your decisions.

 

PRE-MARRIAGE MUTUAL QUESTIONS

˛ WHAT IS YOUR AIM IN LIFE?

 

 

 

 

˛ WHAT IS YOUR PRIME OBJECTIVE FOR GETTING MARRIED?

 

 

 

 

˛ HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR SELF?

 

 

 

 

˛ WHAT VALUES DO YOU WANT TO BRING FROM YOUR FAMILY INTO OUR MARRIAGE?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT DO YOU AS A HUSBAND/WIFE WANT OUT OF LIFE?

 

 

 

 

˛ WHAT IS YOUR PARENTING PHILOSOPHY?

 

 

 

˛ DO YOU BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD BE DOING EVERY THING TOGETHER?

 

 

 

˛ DO YOU KNOW THE RIGHTS AND DUTIES OF SPOUSES?

 

 

 

 

˛ WHAT IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE TO YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE-TO-BE?

 

 

 

˛ WHAT ABOUT YOURE FAMILIES? DO THEY BELIEVE THERE ARE A CERTAIN WAY MEN AND WOMEN SHOULD BE, ACT, OR LIVE?

 

 

 

IMPACT OF SPIRITUAL INTEREST AND COMMITMENT ON RELATIONSHIP

 

Our spiritual interests and commitments impact our horizontal relationships as well as our relationships with Allah (s.w.t.). Our spirituality shapes our entire worldview. It influences the way we choose to invest our time. It impacts our resilience in the time of crisis, the friends we choose, our work, and our leisure time. It is a blessing to marry a person who is a committed Muslim, then grow together spiritually through the years. The enrichment He will bring into your marriage can never be fathomed. And the guidance, comfort, and support Allah (s.w.t.) gives you through the years, including through the difficult experiences of life are beyond comprehension.

إِنَّ اللّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاء ذِي الْقُرْبَى وَيَنْهَى عَنِ الْفَحْشَاء وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

“ALLAH COMMANDS JUSTICE, THE DOING OF GOOD AND LIBERALITY TO KITH AND KIN, AND HE FORBIDS ALL SHAMEFUL DEEDS, AND INJUSTICE AND REBELLION: HE INSTRUCTS YOU, THAT YOU MAY RECEIVE ADMONITION.”

(SURAH THE BEE 16:90)

HAQ E MAHER (DOWRY)

v According to Quran

 

وَآتُواْ النَّسَاء صَدُقَاتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةً فَإِن طِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَن شَيْءٍ مِّنْهُ نَفْسًا فَكُلُوهُ هَنِيئًا مَّرِيئًا

and give women their Maher as a free gift, but if they of themselves be pleased to give up to you a portion of it, then eat it with enjoyment and with wholesome result.

(Surah Nisa 4:04)

The following points are worthy of consideration:

 

a) Maher must be agreed upon by the marrying partners themselves, not by parents.

b) Maher is her right, to which her husband remains indebted.

c) It is a free gift and not her price.

 

The Maher may be cash, kind or non-material (like training or teaching something). It can be paid up front or can be in form of promise to pay upon demands decided prior to the solemnization of marriage. The types of Maher are; Moajjal (immediate), Muwajjal and Indat-talab (on demand). However, it is highly recommended to pay it before or at the time of the Nikah itself.

Blessings of Our Lord!

 

 

Imam Ali (A.S.) said:

Blessings are for those man who humbles himself before God, Whose sources of income are honest, whose intentions are always honorable, whose character is noble, whose habits are sober, who gives away in the name and in the cause of Allah the wealth which is lying surplus with him who controls his tongue from vicious and useless talks, who abstains from oppression and tyranny, who cheerfully and faithfully follows the traditions of the holy Prophet (A.S.) and who keeps himself away from innovation in religion.

Nehjul Balagha

 

Marriage goes through different seasons & challenges

 

وَلاَ تَتَمَنَّوْاْ مَا فَضَّلَ اللّهُ بِهِ بَعْضَكُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ لِّلرِّجَالِ نَصِيبٌ مِّمَّا اكْتَسَبُواْ وَلِلنِّسَاء نَصِيبٌ مِّمَّا اكْتَسَبْنَ وَاسْأَلُواْ اللّهَ مِن فَضْلِهِ إِنَّ اللّهَ كَانَ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيمًا

“Men and women will both be rewarded according to their deeds, rather pray to Allah for His favors. Allah knows all the things”.

(Surah Nisa 4:32)

Each marriage goes through different seasons, and each season has distinct challenges and specific blessings. Newlyweds face the challenge of considering Each OTHER’S DESIRES. But they soon discover the joys of married life as they learn to care for each other. The arrival of a first child ushers in a different season in marriage and brings with it the challenge of sacrificing the couple’s wants to care for the needs of a baby. Both mates are challenged to learn flexibility, for life with a young child is unpredictable and taxing. But there is a wonderful blessing in watching this TREASURE RESPOND to your love.

The season of having children at home brings many challenges. One is finding time to CULTIVATE MARITAL relationships. Couples are forced to reorder their priorities and determine what really matters in family life. That reordering brings blessings TO MARRIAGES.

Some seasons are more challenging than others. The benefit lies in working through the challenges and focusing on the blessings. partners shouldAsk Allah (s.w.t.) to give them a fresh vision for the season they are in right now.

it is important understand that a Fresh vision often comes when we recognize and develop our gifts. We want to be with those who bring out the best in us and encourage us. A blessing we can give each other is to encourage one another’s gifts.

A crucial task facing couples in the first few years of marriage is developing an identity as a couple. In part, couples have to define “who is in” and “who is out” of their relationship. … After newlyweds define who they are as a couple, they next must face a long list of decisions about how roles and duties will be divided up.

This is a challenging task that requires honest communication so a couple can work together on the best solutions. The couples who come out of this stage the strongest are the ones who develop a clear and stable sense of “us” so they can approach life as a team. Neither you nor your potential mate is going to be perfect, nor will you ever be.

The qualities we look at which go into becoming the right person easily can seem overwhelming. But bear in mind that not every aspect of each of them will be present or perfectly active all the time. If your attitude is, “Well, I’ve never been good with money that’s just the way I am,” your marriage has a problem already. If however, your attitude is, “I’ve never been good with money, but starting now I’m going to work on changing that,” you’re on the right track. And, of course, this perspective is applicable not only to how you handle money, but also to other qualities.

UNDERSTANDING SPOUSE

 

Imam Ali (A.S.) said:

Hearts (minds) have the tendencies of likes and dislikes, and are liable to be energetic and lethargic, therefore, make them work when they are energetic and on subjects which they like.

Nehjul Balagha

The matters of understanding and trust are extremely important in any relationship. Answer the following questions:

˛ Does he or she listen to you attentively and give you a chance to express your opinion and feelings?

 

˛ Is he or she open-minded, rather than rigid and opinionated?

 

˛ Is your intended willing to bend and compromise, rather than insisting on having his or her own way?

 

 

Negative response to even one of these questions can have serious consequences for a successful marriage. While you can never expect two persons to be in complete agreement about all issues, there should always be a climate in which you can reach a satisfactory compromise. A marriage is at risk when one person is dominant and the other is submissive only to “get along.”

Regardless of your level of compatibility, conflict in marriage is inevitable. One of the most important things you need to know is whether your partner can stand the heat. Will she/he be willing to get help when the going gets tough? Does your partner know that over two thirds of what couples argue about in marriage is irresolvable? Does she/he know the predictable transitional stages that ALL marriages go through regardless of how much couples love each other? Does your mate know that while marriage is still one of the greatest institutions on earth, it’s not for the faint of heart? In fact, it’s [extremely] hard work! And since it only takes one person to end a marriage, you might want to ask your partner,

˛ UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD YOU FEEL THAT OUR MARRIAGE WOULD BE OVER?

 

 

I know this question isn’t pretty or romantic, far from it, but since most divorces are unilateral decisions, it might help to know what might prompt your spouse to call it quits. It could be a deal breaker. Be more impressed with your partner’s level of commitment. With the right attitude and adequate set of relationship skills, even the quirkiest of personality differences or opposing life goals can be worked through.

No other human relationship can approach the potential for intimacy and oneness than can be found within the context of a marriage commitment. And yet no other relationship can bring with it as many adjustments, difficulties and even hurts. There’s no way you can avoid these difficulties; each couple’s journey is unique. But there is much you can do to prepare for that journey.

Engagement period

There is a reason why we do not go straight from the proposal to the wedding chapel. The engagement period is not just for planning the event; it is also for thinking through what it means to be married and, specifically, what it means to be married to this individual.

Now, sometimes you might have the strength to call off the marriage, but you’re worried about the fallout with your family. Please don’t be. This is one of the most important decisions in your life, and you cannot allow your worry about hurt feelings to cause you to make a terrible mistake. A few minutes or days of embarrassment and hurt feelings are far easier to handle than months or years of a troubled marriage. You must have the strength to be willing to end the engagement if you do not believe that marriage is the appropriate step.

 

IMAM Ali (A.S.)

People often hate those things which they do not know or cannot understand. (Nehjul Balagh)

 

onflict Resolution

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

The value of each man depends upon the art and skill which he had attained. (Nehjul Balagh)

 

The first step towards resolving family conflict is to realize others’ point of view and accept your responsibility & your spouse’s expectations of you.

The fact that you’re having disagreements with each other isn’t a problem – that just shows that there are some areas of your relationship that need to be worked on. And that’s normal. People are different, so of course you’re going to run into times where your differences come out and rub each other the wrong way. But what’s important is that you both commit to work on those differences until both of you are satisfied. When you do that, you’re walking the right road together and over the long-run you’ll do just fine.

Psychologists say that the real causes of marital problems are due to misunderstandings and miscommunication?

&

Psychologists say that the real solution to marital problems is to reach an understanding and maintain a humanistic (compassionate) approach?

 

If there is misunderstanding and miscommunication, deal with the problem immediately rather than allowing it to escalate. This small issue will become bigger later on and could result in separation. For example, if your partner is inexpressive towards you, it does not mean that you are unloved, but it can mean many other things, thus we should avoid assumptions and always think positively.

A relationship that will improve over time must have a solid foundation from the beginning. If you’ve ever tried to build a campfire, you know the importance of using seasoned wood. Green wood (or recently cut wood) does not burn well. It makes a lot of smoke but never a roaring fire. Seasoned wood, on the other hand, gives warmth. The same is true of relationships. A green relationship does not burn well because it hasn’t been seasoned. Only time and experience can season a relationship.

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

One who seeks advices learns to recognize mistakes.

Nehjul Balagha

 

We go to school and teachers teach us to read and write but nobody teaches us about the purposeful commitment and intentionality it takes to make our marriages healthy and sustain love over a lifetime. Most people seem to think love should “naturally” sustain itself as it did during the beginning of the relationship with each other—but that just isn’t realistic.

 

v According to QURAN

 

أُحِلَّ لَكُمْ لَيْلَةَ الصِّيَامِ الرَّفَثُ إِلَى نِسَآئِكُمْ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ

...THEY ARE YOUR GARMENTS AND you are THEIR GARMENTS.GOD KNOWS WHAT YOU USED TO DO SECRETLY AMOUNG YOURSELVES; BUT HE TURNED TO YOU AND FORGAVE YOU …

AL-BAQARA 2:187

Sit down with your spouse at a time when you’re not upset with each other and make a list of what is and isn’t acceptable to say and do during a time of conflict. This provides a safer and more mature way of working through your disagreements so you come to a healthier understanding of each other. Put into writing that which you’ve agreed upon. Both of you are to sign the agreement. Then display it somewhere so you can read through it each time you need to resolve conflict.

v According to quran

 

وَلَا تَسْتَوِي الْحَسَنَةُ وَلَا السَّيِّئَةُ ادْفَعْ بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ فَإِذَا الَّذِي بَيْنَكَ وَبَيْنَهُ عَدَاوَةٌ كَأَنَّهُ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمٌ

NOR CAN GOODNESS AND EVIL BE EQUAL. REPEL (EVIL) WITH WHAT IS BETTER: THEN WILL HE BETWEEN WHOM AND YOU WAS HATRED, BECOME AS IT WERE YOUR FRIEND AND INTIMATE!

(FUSSILAT 41:34)

 

It is not the presence of these that should concern us but rather our ability to resolve them by using the rules of fair play. By agreeing to a particular set of rules of conduct and following them, the members of a team are assured that conflicts can be resolved in a healthy manner. It has been said that “marriage is the only game that both people can win,” I would add, “or that both can lose.”

I would define “winning” as having a growing relationship that provides intimacy and satisfaction and lasts for a lifetime. Based on this definition both parties either win or lose. Although some relationships may last for a lifetime, they are not all described as satisfactory or intimate by the parties involved. Several researchers have studied long-standing relationships to try to identify what separates the satisfied from the unsatisfied couples. One major answer tends to surface every time—constructive problem-solving, or conflict-resolution skills.

The misperception is that if you find the right person, you won’t disagree. But in a real marriage, two people disagree all the time. They need to learn non-destructive ways of expressing differences and must also be prepared for the inevitable disappointments that come from living with another person.

Imam Ali (A.S.)

One who adopts patience will never be deprived of success though the success may take a long time to reach him.

Nehjul Balagha

 

 

 

 

 

Our Attitude

 

If you greet your mate with love and a smile, you’ll find love and something to smile about in return.

 

Your attitude is the position you take and the opinion you have on any subject. It is the way you see life and how you think it should be. Your attitude is formed by your feelings, your thoughts, what has been modeled for you, and your experiences in life. The environment in which you grew up has played a major role in the development of your attitude about life. And the more you know about one another and your families’ origins, the more you will understand what makes you who you are and why you each see life the way you do.

Your attitude about life affects everything you think, feel, say, and do. If you see life as a battleground, then each waking moment is a struggle and you must always be prepared to defend yourself.

Ask Your Self & Answer the following questions:

˛ How do I see life?

 

 

 

 

 

˛ What is my purpose of life?

 

 

 

˛ How does your attitude concerning work, play, and marriage fit in with the attitudes of your spouse-to-be? How are they similar? How are they different?

 

 

 

 

˛ What roles will each of you have in this new relationship?

 

 

 

 

˛ What are the advantages of getting married?

 

 

 

˛ Do you think a marriage entered into without any preparation can be successful?

 

 

 

˛ What work and effort is put forth ahead of time to prepare for the marriage that's about to begin after the wedding celebration?

 

 

 

 

˛ What plans do you have for your marital life?

 

 

 

 

˛ How do you see successful family life?

 

 

 

“Marriage is more than sharing a life together; it’s building a life together.”

˛ What is your opinion about the above statement?

 

 

 

 

YOUR ATTITUDES

Your attitudes set the stage for your lives’ journey together. It plays a major role in shaping what your marriage relationship will become. If one greets a mate with love and a smile, the mate will find love and something to smile about in return. The attitude you choose, develop, and cultivate will determine how the events of your lives affect you and will also affect the expectations you and your mate have of one another. When you choose to express yourself in a caring manner, and express interest in your mate, you send a message of peace and harmony.

The first few minutes you spend with your mate in the morning and the last few minutes you spend with your mate in the evening set the stage for how the rest of your time together will go for that day. The way you greet and part from your mate plays an important role in the building of your relationship.

As husbands and wives come together at the end of the day, they frequently bring home their problems and troubles from work and the outside world. Give yourselves time to adjust from work mode to family mode; otherwise, you will transfer tension from your job to your home. Have a special four minutes of greeting when you walk through the door after work and save any discussion of the problems and cares of the world until you have had fifteen to thirty minutes of rest.

A home should be a haven, a resting place, a place you look forward to returning to. These first few minutes will help you set the stage for keeping your relationship open for communication and understanding.

 

 

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

Deficiency will result in shame and sorrow, but caution and foresight will bring peace and security.

 

Real Expectations

 

The Holy Prophet (PBUH) said:

Oh! Ali there are three qualities so that, who so ever does not possess these none of his practices, will remain constant & firm for him. (His practice will not bring fruit& result).

1) The power of piety which refrain him from committing sin.

2) And the knowledge with which he may repulse the ignorance of the witless (foolish) persons.

3) Intellect with which he gets along courteously & moderately with the people.

(Tuhful Aqool, Vol 7)

 

This is a good time to identify your family differences and your personal expectations of marriage that result from your unique upbringing.

 

We all have expectations, even if we aren’t aware of them. Most of our expectations are not voiced—or even recognized—until they have been broken. When a spouse doesn’t do or say something that we “expected,” we realize it and react—often not too positively. There’s no way you will be able to identify every expectation or discuss every situation you may face and consider how you would want to deal with it. However, the process of learning to identify and discuss expectations as you realize them creates a healthy building block for discussions when stressful situations arise in the future.

A. SeT of expectations

Both you and your spouse will enter marriage with a set of expectations, some of which will be quite different from the others. You may expect that the romance will never fade in your relationship; your spouse may not be naturally romantic.

B. Role expectations

Each of you has expectations regarding roles you will play in the marriage. The woman may expect that she will have a career, and the household chores will be shared equally between herself and her husband. The man, however, may be somewhat traditional and may see cooking and cleaning as his wife's responsibility. Role expectations are not as clear cut as they once were.

 

C. BE REALISTIC ABOUT WHAT YOU DO ASK FOR

 

Your spouse probably can't bring you coffee in bed each morning, prop up your self-image three times a day, or never start an argument. However, your mate probably can share the cooking and meal cleanup duties, spend more quality time with you, and learn to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom a little more often. Agreeing to some realistic expectations creates a win-win situation and a buoyant feeling of success.

 

D. USE DISAPPOINTMENT AS A SIGNAL OF UNCONSCIOUS EXPECTATIONS

 

When you feel disappointed in your marriage or your spouse, pause and think about what you expected. This builds awareness of the expectations guiding your attitudes and actions. Is your expectation reasonable? Is it better met on your own?

E. DON’T COMPARE YOUR SPOUSE TO OTHER PEOPLE’S SPOUSES OR YOUR MARRIAGE TO OTHER MARRIAGES

 

Focus on the love, laughter, and struggles in your own world. There's no perfect spouse, no perfect marriage. Resist the temptation to tell yourself "If only he were like my friend's husband" or “she were like my friend’s wife” or "If only our marriage were as [fill in the blank] as theirs." Each marriage is unique, with its own highs and lows.

It is important to take time to find out what these expectations are, which can be achieved, which are realistic and how to handle them when things do not go according to plans, because unexpressed expectations are the seeds of trouble and conflicts.

Our Personal Needs

A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP IS TO MEET OUR PERSONAL NEEDS.

Imam Ali (A.S.) said:

When one of you does not know a thing he must not feel shame & shyness in learning it.

(Nehjul balagha)

1. Acceptance

We want to be truly loved and accepted as what we are.

2. Security

We want to feel safe and secure.

"Is those who believe and do not confuse their beliefs with wrong-that are (truly) in security, for they are on (right) guidance."

(The Cattle 6:82)

3. Respect

We want to be respected and trusted by others.

مَن كَانَ يُرِيدُ الْعِزَّةَ فَلِلَّهِ الْعِزَّةُ جَمِيعًا إِلَيْهِ يَصْعَدُ الْكَلِمُ الطَّيِّبُ وَالْعَمَلُ الصَّالِحُ يَرْفَعُهُ وَالَّذِينَ يَمْكُرُونَ السَّيِّئَاتِ لَهُمْ عَذَابٌ شَدِيدٌ وَمَكْرُ أُوْلَئِكَ هُوَ يَبُورُ

If any do seek for glory and power-to God belong all glory and power. To Him mount up (all) Words of purity: it is He Who exalts each deed of righteousness. Those that lay plots of evil – for them are a terrible penalty; and the plotting of such will be void (of result).

(Fatir 35:10)

4. Understanding

We want to be understood and cared by our prospective mates.

5. Peace

We want to have peace and tranquility in our life.

هُوَ الَّذِي أَنزَلَ السَّكِينَةَ فِي قُلُوبِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ لِيَزْدَادُوا إِيمَانًا مَّعَ إِيمَانِهِمْ وَلِلَّهِ جُنُودُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ وَكَانَ اللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَكِيمًا

He it is who sent down tranquility into the hearts of the believers that they might have more of faith added to their faith-- and Allah’s are the hosts of the heavens and the earth, and Allah is knowing, wise.

(FATH 4)

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

And one of his signs is that he created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and he put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.

6. Sincerity

We want our spouse to be sincere to us.

Imam al-Jawad (A.S.) said:

“Sincerity is the best worship.”

Bihar ul-Anwar 15/87

 

 

7. Well-behaved

We want our spouse to behave well with us.

وَإِنِ امْرَأَةٌ خَافَتْ مِن بَعْلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوْ إِعْرَاضًا فَلاَ جُنَاْحَ عَلَيْهِمَا أَن يُصْلِحَا بَيْنَهُمَا صُلْحًا وَالصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌ وَأُحْضِرَتِ الأَنفُسُ الشُّحَّ وَإِن تُحْسِنُواْ وَتَتَّقُواْ فَإِنَّ اللّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًا

and if a woman fears ill usage or desertion on the part of her husband, there is no blame on them, if they effect a reconciliation between them, and reconciliation is better, and avarice has been made to be present in the (people's) minds; and if you do good (to others) and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is aware of what you do.

(Nisa 128)

وَابْتَغِ فِيمَا آتَاكَ اللَّهُ الدَّارَ الْآخِرَةَ وَلَا تَنسَ نَصِيبَكَ مِنَ الدُّنْيَا وَأَحْسِن كَمَا أَحْسَنَ اللَّهُ إِلَيْكَ وَلَا تَبْغِ الْفَسَادَ فِي الْأَرْضِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ الْمُفْسِدِينَ

and seek by means of what Allah has given you the future abode, and do not neglect your portion of this world, and do good (to others) as Allah has done good to you, and do not seek to make mischief in the land, surely Allah does not love the mischief-makers .

(AL-QASAS 77)

 

8. Significance

We want to do something significant with our lives, make a substantial impact, lasting positive impact on another person, which will give us a sense of purpose and worthiness.

When man fell into sin, he lost his sense of acceptance, security, respect, Understanding and significance, because he lost his relationship with His Creator who truly loved him and created him with a purpose.

We expect our spouse to meet our needs, to make us feel good, to be accepted and to feel worthwhile. We control, influences, manage him/her to meet our personal needs, regardless of his/her needs. Marriage was never meant to be bent to our individual purposes. It is a God-given opportunity to live out love and commitment to another human being for a lifetime.

 

ü Take this time to remove the soft sand of wrong expectations and different concepts so you can establish a foundation on Solid ground.

ü Covenant Love forms the Foundation where a couple makes an unconditional commitment to an imperfect partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better Communication

 

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

“One who is quick in saying unpleasant things about others, will himself quickly become a target to their scandal”.

Nehjul Balagha

 

Communication is the mortar that holds a relationship together - if it breaks down, the relationship will crumble. When spouses no longer communicate, their marriage nurtures no one. It is no longer a marriage. Communication either makes or breaks most relationships.

Communicating effectively takes practice and a great deal of effort. Without communication, it is nearly impossible to resolve conflicts or develop your partnership. Whether you are looking for some insight into better communication before your marriage or wish to “tune up” your marriage or are seeking help with marital problems, here is some useful information for communicating effectively within a marriage. True communication involves respect for the other person as well as active energy on your part. These two skills are essential ingredients to making a relationship work.

Respect your partner

We often immediately reject another’s perceptions, especially when our views differ. This rejection may even be unconscious. We find ourselves ready to dispute the things our spouse has to say, to challenge them, or to hear them as threats. Obviously, such an attitude interferes with two-way communication. The first step to improved dialogues is to respect your partner.

Respect allows you to accept the other person’s point of view whole-heartedly. Consider and value your spouse’s perspectives or suggestions. Let your partner know that your respect and value for him or her supersedes the specific issue you are discussing.

Good communication also requires an active effort. Draw yourself and the other person completely into the communication process. If one partner dominates - i.e. does all the talking, offers all the ideas, and has most or all of the control or influence - this effort can only be one-sided. To work towards this full involvement you should:

1. Realize that no one "wins" an argument. If you don't leave a discussion with a possible solution to the problem, then neither party has been successful.

2. Compromise is an essential tool to solving problems through communication. Before bringing up a problem, make sure you have thought of ways that you can help solve it by mutual compromise.

3. Try to be positive when bringing up sensitive marital problems. Instead of jumping right into a discussion, open by acknowledging that every partnership could be improved and you'd like to take some time and discuss the things that are working in your relationship and the areas that could use improvement. It helps to start by talking about positive things and then moving into the deeper discussion on problem areas.

4. Be a "reflective" listener and make sure you understand what your partner has said. "What I hear you saying is..." is a great way to make sure the proper message has been received.

5. Feel free to use the "time out" card if the discussion gets too intense. If an argument gets heated and irrational, it is better to postpone the discussion to a time and place where effective communication can happen.

6. Make sure your body language, facial expressions and vocal tone are in line with your message. One study showed that 55% of the emotional meaning of what you say is expressed by your facial expression. While only 7% of the emotional meaning is verbal.

7. Be honest, direct and focus on the real issue. If you enter a conversation insecure about making your point -- you probably won't make it.

8. If you can't come up with a definitive solution, at least try to end the conversation on a positive note like "I think it's good we've both shared our feelings and we'll continue to talk about it and try to come up with a better solution."

9. Don't ever be rude or talk down to your partner in a discussion about your relationship. Don't dismiss an idea or thought as absurd, but instead listen to your partner's point and then react to the reasons you disagree with in a respectful manner.

10. Stay on track. If you sit down to talk about a financial problem and suddenly other emotional issues are coming up, realize that you may need to focus on one area at a time in order to create solutions instead of mere bickering.

11. Recognize when you need outside help to communicate effectively. A counselor or religious scholar may help solve what seems to be an impossible communication problem.

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

To keep silent when you can say something wise and useful is as bad as to keep on propagating foolish and unwise thoughts.

Most of our communication with one another, in any friendship or relationship, isn’t based on what we say, but how we say it. Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice and its inflection, your eye contact, and how far away you are when you talk to someone else. Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals as well as hear what the other person is saying. Reading your partner’s nonverbal signals takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they’re really saying, such as:

All the while you’re reading your partner’s nonverbal signals, be aware of your own. Make and maintain eye contact, keep a neutral body stance and tone to your voice, and sit next to the person when you’re talking to them.

By putting this energy into communication, you will make a statement to your partner about your commitment and responsibility. It will demonstrate that the relationship is important to you and that you are willing to involve yourself fully in this act of communication. Intimate communication may not be worth the effort without love. Love is critical to the relationship. Yet alone it is not enough. If there is love, however, and if the relationship is important to you then you must focus on communication. Only through good, true communication can you realize the joy of love. Good communication makes love possible, certainly makes it better, and ultimately may be love itself.

 

 

v According to quran

كَلَّا سَنَكْتُبُ مَا يَقُولُ وَنَمُدُّ لَهُ مِنَ الْعَذَابِ مَدًّا ﴿79﴾ وَنَرِثُهُ مَا يَقُولُ وَيَأْتِينَا فَرْدًا

 

 

     

Nay! We shall record what he says, and We shall add and add to his punishment. To us shall return all that he talks of, and he shall appear before Us bare and alone.

(MARY 19:79, 80)

قَوْلٌ مَّعْرُوفٌ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ خَيْرٌ مِّن صَدَقَةٍ يَتْبَعُهَآ أَذًى وَاللّهُ غَنِيٌّ حَلِيمٌ

Kind words and the covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury. God is free of all wants and He is most forbearing.

(The Heifer 2:263)

 

Quality conversation

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but also respond and offer advice to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.

An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings that you will then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.

Nobody is a perfect communicator all the time. But you can work to become a better communicator by trying a few of those tips mentioned above. They won’t all work, nor will they work all the time. Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride.

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Question & Answer

Q: My wife says I need to get in touch with my feminine side. She says I don’t share my feelings enough and that she never knows what’s going on inside my head. How can I convince her that I’m not mad, but just being quiet?

A: The key here is to understand and honor the way God has wired men and women uniquely. Men don’t need to become feminized, but do need to move towards women in the area of communication and understanding. Talking to your wives will not make you less macho. In fact, meeting a woman’s needs is the epitome of masculinity.

At the same time women need to remember that men don’t share their need to talk, and understand that masculine silence doesn’t indicate a lack of love. Time, education, and insight can give a man more understanding of women, but to expect him to enter marriage with the same relational approaches as women is like wanting a dog to purr like a kitten.

Each mate, by learning more of the nature and language of the other, can achieve great communication in marriage. That’s a huge promise, but I’ve seen with my own eyes that it’s absolutely true. Honoring your mate’s communication style will make your marriage more intimate and peaceful and eliminate most of your escalated arguments. Expressing your feelings gives your mate a better understanding of your primary needs. The better you understand each other’s primary needs—those mystifying mysteries that each of you brings from the masculine and feminine worlds—the deeper you can go into true intimacy.

Imam Ali (A.S.)

The person who corrects & rectifies his interior, Allah rectifies his exterior (obvious &apparent affairs) & the person who practices for his religions; Allah suffices & completes his worldly affairs. And the one who rectifies &beautifies what is between him and Allah. Allah beautifies & improves what goes between him and the people (relations).

Nehjul Balagha

Pride pushes us away from each other

It exalts itself, it seeks to win arguments, and it aims to advance self and get noticed. Humility draws us toward each other; it seeks to understand, and it aims to achieve intimacy. Pride is one of the greatest enemies of marriage; humility is one of marriage’s greatest friends. Sadly, while pride comes naturally, humility must be pursued. Unless we consciously practice humility in our marriages, we’ll naturally fall into prideful disposition.

To help us counteract this, Islam teaches us an effective spiritual way to deal with it: Pause for a moment. Don’t look only to your own interests — look to the interests of your spouse. Think about him or her. Consider his or her challenges. Empathize with the stress your spouse is feeling. …Pride is a wedge; humility is glue. Which spiritual tool will you wield?

Speaking the truth in love

Some of us have mastered “speaking the truth.” We’re quick to point out anything that we see or perceive in our spouse and are willing to use any method (attacking, judging, etc.) to drive the point home. Others of us are stuck at the “in love” part of confrontation. We’ve come to believe in complete acceptance and tolerance of any behavior.

Often we become paralyzed with a fear of hurting someone’s feelings and withdraw into passivity and silence. Speaking the truth in love combines both of these concepts to allow us to confront sinful behavior without compromise, yet with absolute care and respect for the individual, saying things in a way that the person can accept. When a couple takes the stance of “speaking the truth in love” to each other, the old models of judging and passivity must disappear.

Both “speaking the truth” and “in love” have to be considered. Those two statements need to be married forever and ever in our speech.

Share your feelings aloud

Some people advocate the kind of transparency where we say everything that pops into our heads. Some feel we can’t even know our own feelings unless we share them aloud with others. But thoughts that are unkind and unloving, and attitudes that would burden the person to whom they might be ventilated, are best shared with God alone. This is not to infer that we cannot share negatives. We can and we must. But negatives must also be shared in love. It does not love to share things that cannot be changed. It might be true that I don’t especially care for your big nose for example, but it is not kind or loving to tell you so.

We must accept and overlook things that cannot be changed.

Difficult to hear the truth

Sometimes, the truth will be something about your mate that he or she may find difficult to hear. If you’re eager to reveal it, I suggest you wait. If you are reluctant, you are probably in the best position to apply the needed tact and gentleness to help your mate discover a difficult truth. When telling the truth in love, the sole motivation is the good of the other person, which means your speech will be laced with patience and kindness.

It’s a tragedy that we don’t stop doing what’s not working but instead keep doing it with more volume.

Since we aren’t God, we must carefully look at how our anger differs from His.

In order to get to the core of our anger, we must look at our hearts because “Out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks”. Motive for anger, then, is the key to its core. Our problem is that we’re often blind to underlying motives. In order to respond with appropriate anger, rather than react impulsively, we need to stop and invite God into our anger. A few moments of restraint can prevent lasting and devastating consequences.

The more words we utter, the harder it is to control the quality of the content, so it may be best to say nothing. Proverbs stress the value of silence in heated situations: “An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression. He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is counted prudent.”

Failing to resolve disagreements affects our relationships as arthritis does our bodies; it impairs movement, slows us down, and causes a lot of pain. The only way to deal with “relational arthritis” is to develop healthy responses to conflict.

IMAM SADIQ (A.S.) “Anger is the key to every evil.”

(Al-Kafi)

OUR DUTIES IN QURAN

 

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُواْ رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالاً كَثِيرًا وَنِسَاء وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءلُونَ بِهِ وَالأَرْحَامَ إِنَّ اللّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا

“O people! be careful of (your duty to) your Lord, Who created you from a single being and created its mate of the same (kind) and spread from these two, many men and women; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, by Whom you demand one of another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship; surely Allah ever watches over you”.

(Surah The Women 4:01)

 

 

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ

“O! You believers! Save yourselves and your families from the fire whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who do not flinch (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded”.

(Surah Al-Tahrim 66:06)

Rights & Duties of Spouses

In order to perpetuate the matrimonial life, Islam sets forth certain rights and duties on each of the two spouses. This tends to protect family structure from disintegration at future time. Both spouses must understand their relative rights and duties.

The rights of wife over her husband

 

Allah (S.W.T.) states in Quran Sura Nisa (4:19):“On the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take dislike to them, it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good”.

1. Allah (S.W.T.) states in Quran Sura Baqarah (2:228):“And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is exalted in Power, Wise”.

2. Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) said: “The best among you is one who is best to his family [wife], and I as Allah’s Messenger am the best among you to my family”.

Imam Musa al-Rida (A.S.)

Humbleness means treating others the same way as you expect them to treat you.

3. One of the Companions of Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) asked: “What is the right of the wife? Holy Prophet(S.A.W.) said: To feed her if you eat, clothe her if you clothe yourself, don't slap her on the face, don't be nasty to her and don't be away from her [physically] except while both of you are at the same house”.

4. Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) said, “The most perfect Believers are those who are best in moral conduct, and the best among them are those who are best to their women”.

5. Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) said, “Be mindful of Allah concerning women. You have taken them in by Allah's Trust and their private parts became lawful for you with Allah's Word”.

As such, we see that full perfection is due to Allah (S.W.T.) alone. No man is perfect hundred percent on this earth.

˛ Nafqa

˛ Baitota

˛ Dower

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

rights of a husband over his wife

 

The following are only hints from the Glorious Quran and Hadith concerning the rights of a husband over his wife.

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاء بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُواْ مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللّهُ وَاللاَّتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلاَ تَبْغُواْ عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلاً إِنَّ اللّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًا

Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their money; the good women are therefore obedient…

(4:34)

وَالْمُطَلَّقَاتُ يَتَرَبَّصْنَ بِأَنفُسِهِنَّ ثَلاَثَةَ قُرُوَءٍ وَلاَ يَحِلُّ لَهُنَّ أَن يَكْتُمْنَ مَا خَلَقَ اللّهُ فِي أَرْحَامِهِنَّ إِن كُنَّ يُؤْمِنَّ بِاللّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الآخِرِ وَبُعُولَتُهُنَّ أَحَقُّ بِرَدِّهِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ إِنْ أَرَادُواْ إِصْلاَحًا وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ وَاللّهُ عَزِيزٌ حَكُيمٌ

Women have benefits as well as responsibilities. Men have a status above women. (2:228)

1. Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) said, “The best of women is the one who pleases you if you look at her, obeys you if you command her [to do a lawful item], and protects your privacy and wealth if you are absent”.

2. Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) said, “If a woman [wife] maintains her five daily prayers, observes the fast of the month of Ramadan, protects her private parts [by not committing adultery or fornication], and obeys her husband, she would be given the choice to enter Jannah, Paradise through any gate she likes”.

3. Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) said, “If I were to command someone to prostrate to another person, I would have commanded a wife to prostrate before her husband”.

“A woman asked the Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) what are the rights of a husband over his wife? The Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) replied: she must be obedient towards him, must not violate his orders and should not give away anything without his permission

˛ Obedience to Husbands

˛ Guard herself

˛ Husbands Permission

˛ Fulfillment of sexual needs

IMAM AL-KADHIM (A.S.)

“Jihad of women is their compliance with their Husbands.

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Love and Affection

 

Holy Prophet (S.A.W.)

Allah does not look at (value) your face & nor your wealth but He looks at your heart & your practices.

(Bihar ul Anwar,Vol 77, p88)

 

Ways to increase love and affection:

 

وَأَلَّفَ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِهِمْ لَوْ أَنفَقْتَ مَا فِي الأَرْضِ جَمِيعاً مَّا أَلَّفَتْ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِهِمْ وَلَكِنَّ اللّهَ أَلَّفَ بَيْنَهُمْ إِنَّهُ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمٌ

And (moreover) He has put affection between their hearts: not if you had spent all that is in the earth, could you have produced that affection, but God has done it: for He is exalted in Might, Wise.

(Al-Anfal 8:63)

1. Give your spouse a gift when he/she is not expecting it - for no particular reason except to express your love and affection.

2. Surprise your spouse by doing something you know will make him/her really happy.

3. Mention how much you appreciated something he/she did for you. (No matter how large or small.)

4. Openly admire something about your spouse’s appearance.

5. Talk to your spouse about subjects and things he/she is truly interested in (even if you are not).

6. Suggest doing some activity you know your spouse would love to do.

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

Hearts of people are like wild birds, they attach themselves to those who love and train them.

Nehjul Balagha

 

POSITIVE INTENTION

LET THEM FORGIVE AND OVERLOOK, DO YOU NOT WISH THAT GOD SHOULD FORGIVE YOU? FOR GOD IS OFT-FORGIVING, MOST MERCIFUL.

(LIGHT 24:22)

 

PROTECT EACH OTHER

...THEY ARE YOUR GARMENTS AND YOY ARE THEIR GARMENTS.GOD KNOWS WHAT YOU USED TO DO SECRETLY AMOUNG YOURSELVES; BUT HE TURNED TO YOU AND FORGAVE YOU: …

(AL-BAQARA 2:187)

 

Importance of Sex in Marriage

v According to quran

 

“When they [i.e., the wives] have cleansed themselves [after menstruation], you go into them as Allah has commanded.”

 

FULFILLMENT OF NATURAL URGE

 

The sexual urge is perhaps the most powerful human inclination. It seems not to be an end in itself, but a means to bring the mates together for the purpose of fertilization. Yet its fulfillment is the most enjoyable and absorbing of human experiences. Failure to fulfill this urge is likely to lead either to deviation or to maladjustment. Deviation is dishonorable and is strictly forbidden in Islam.

 

Holy Prophet, (S.A.W.)

O you young people! Whoever of you can afford to get married, let him do, so. Those who cannot afford it, let them practice fasting, as it may be a protection to them [against sin].

 

It is believed that the intense pleasure of the climax of the sexual act, though short-lived, has the value of reminding the believers of the more durable and more perfect enjoyment that awaits them in Paradise. The experience should enhance their zeal to comply with divine teachings.

The Wedding Night

It is highly recommended that the wedding should take place at night. The hadith says, “Take the bride to her new home during the night.”

When the bride enters the room, the groom is recommended to take off her shoes and wash her feet (in a washbowl) and then sprinkle the water around the room.

Then he should perform wuzu and pray two rak’at sunnat prayers and then recite the following du’a:

اَللّهُمَّ ارْزُقْنِىْ اِلْفَهَا وَ وُدَّهَا وَ رِضَاهَابىِْ وَ اَرْضِنِىْ بِهَا وَ اَجْمَعْ بَيْنَنَا بِاَحْسَنِ اِجْتِمَاعٍ وَ اَنَسِ اِيْتِلاَفٍ فَاِنَّكَ تُحِبُّ الْحَلاَلَ وَ تُكْرِهُ الْحَرَامَ

 

Allahummar zuqni ilfahaa wa wuddaha wa riz”aaha bi; warz”ini biha, wa-ajmabaynana bi ah’sane ijtimaa’in wa anasi i-tilafin; fa innaka tuh’ibbul h’alaala wa tukrihul h’araam.

 

O Allah! Bless me with her affection, love and her acceptance of me; and make me pleased with her, and bring us together in the best form of a union and in absolute harmony; surely you like lawful things and dislike unlawful things.

Then he should ask the bride to do wuzu and pray two rak’at sunnat prayers.

When they are ready to go to bed, the groom should put his hand on the bride’s forehead and pray the following du’a while facing the qiblah.

 

 

اَللّهُمَّ بِاَمَانَتِكَ اَخَذْتُهَا وَ بِكَلِمَاتِكَ اِسْتَحْلَلْتُهَا فَاِنْ قَضَيْتَ لِىْ مِنْهَا وَلَدًا فَاجْعَلْهُ مُبَارَكًا تَقِيًّا مِّنْ شِيْعَةِ آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ وَّ لاَ تَجْعَلْ لِلشَّيْطَانِ فِيْهِ شِرْكًا وَّ لاَ نَصِيْبًا.

 

Allahumma bi amaanatika akhadhtuha wa bi kalimaatika is-tah’laltuha. Fa in qaz”ayta li minha waladan, faj-’alhu mubaarakan taqiyyan min Shi’ati Aal-i Muh’ammad (s’al-lal-laahu a’layhi wa aalihi wa sallam) wa laa taj-’al lish Shayt’aani fihi shirkan wa laa naseeba.

 

O Allah! I have taken her as your trust and have made her lawful for myself by your words. Therefore, if You have decreed for me a child from her, then make him/her blessed and pious from among the followers of the Family of Muhammad [peace be upon him and them]; and do not let Satan have any part in him/her.

 

Days and Times for Sex

 

A. When is Sex Forbidden?

Islam has forbidden sexual intercourse during menstruation.

The Qur’an says: They ask you about menstruation. Say: “Menstruation is a discomfort (for women). Do not establish sexual relations with them during the menses and do not approach them (sexually) until the blood stops. Then when they have cleansed themselves, you go into them as Allah has commanded you.”

According to the Shariah, the duration of the monthly period is between three to ten days. If the bleeding was for less than three days, it is not menstruation; if it is for more than ten days, then it is menstruation for the regular number of days and istehadha for the rest of the bleeding during which sex is permitted.

The prohibition of sex during the periods is limited strictly to sexual intercourse; other intimate contact (with the exception of the vagina and anus) is allowed. However, it is better not to play with her body between the navel and the knees.

If a person who is engaged in sexual intercourse with his wife discovers that her period has begun, then he should immediately withdraw from her.

It is clear from the verse mentioned above (until the blood stops) that once the blood has stopped, intercourse becomes lawful even if the woman has not performed the major ritual ablution (ghusl). But mujtahids say that it is better to refrain from intercourse till she performs the ghusl or, at least, washes her private parts.

Sexual intercourse is also not allowed during the post-natal bleeding called nifas (maximum 10 days), during daytime in the month of Ramadan, and when a person is in ihram during the pilgrimage to Mecca. At all other times, sexual intercourse is allowed.

Times when Sexual Intercourse is makruh:

1. During frightful natural occurrences, e.g., eclipse, hurricane, earthquake;

2. From sunset till maghrib;

3. From dawn till sunrise;

4. The last three nights of lunar months;

5. Eve of the 15th of every lunar month;

6. Eve of 10th Zil-hijjah;

7. after becoming junub.

B. Recommended Days and Times for Sex

We have certain ahadith which say that it is better to have sexual intercourse at these times:

1. Sunday night;

2. Monday night;

3. Wednesday night;

4. Thursday noon;

5. Thursday night;

6. Friday evening;

7. Whenever the wife wants to have sex.

 

C. When is it Obligatory to have Sex?

It is wajib on man to have sex with his wife at least once in every four months; this is considered as one of the conjugal rights of the wife. This obligation stays in force unless there is a valid excuse or the wife waives her right.

Sexual Techniques

There are no particular rules and laws either in foreplay or in intercourse. The only laws and rules are the ones reached by the lovers by mutual and often unspoken understanding. Whatever is pleasing and satisfying to both the husband and the wife is right and proper; and whatever is mutually displeasing is wrong. The only limitation to this general rule would be any Shariah rule which goes against the wishes of the husband or the wife.

A. Foreplay is highly recommended

Islam emphasizes on foreplay. Imam ‘Ali says, “When you intend to have sex with your wife, do not rush because the woman (also) has needs (which should be fulfilled).”

Sex without foreplay has been equated to cruelty. The Prophet said, “Three people are cruel: …a person who has sex with his wife before foreplay.”

Another hadith equates sex without foreplay to animal behavior: “When anyone of you has sex with his wife, then he should not go to her like birds; instead he should be slow and delaying.”

As for the role of a woman in sexual foreplay, the Imams have praised a wife who discards shyness when she is with her husband. Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (a.s.) says, “The best woman among you is the one who discards the armor of shyness when she undresses for her husband, and puts on the armor of shyness when she dresses up again.” After all, modesty and chastity in public is the hallmark of a Muslim lady.

These sayings clearly show that the husband and the wife should feel completely free when they are engaged in mutual stimulation which is known as foreplay. There is nothing wrong, according to Islam, for a woman to be active and responsive during sex. As for the Islamic Shariah, all the mujtahids are unanimous in saying that the act of sexual foreplay in itself is mustahab (recommended). Likewise, it is recommended not to rush into sexual intercourse. The operative word is mutual pleasure and satisfaction.

B. Techniques of Foreplay

As far as the methods of mutual stimulation in foreplay are concerned, the Shariah allows the husband and the wife to see, kiss, touch, smell and stimulate any part of each other’s body. Therefore, oral sex, as it is known, is allowed. Imam Musa al-Kazim (a.s.) was once asked, “Can a person kiss his wife’s vagina?” The Imam said, “No problem.”

The only restriction is that no foreign object should be used. The restriction on the use of foreign objects is based on the following hadith. ‘Ubaydullah bin Zurarah says that he had an old neighbor who owned a young slave-girl. Because of his old age, he could not fully satisfy the young slave-girl during sexual intercourse. She would therefore ask him to place his fingers in her vagina as she liked it. The old man complied with her wishes even though he did not like this idea. So he requested ‘Ubaydullah to ask Imam ‘Ali ar-Reza (a.s.) about it. When ‘Ubaydullah asked the Imam about it, the Imam said, “There is no problem as long as he uses any part of his own body upon her, but he should not use anything other than his body on her.”

Though masturbation (i.e., self-stimulation of one’s own sexual organ till emission of semen or orgasm) is not allowed, in the case of married persons, there is no problem if the wife stimulates her husband’s penis till the emission of semen or the husband stimulates his wife’s vagina till orgasm. This is allowed because it does not come under “self-stimulation;” it is stimulation by a lawful partner.

C. Sexual Intercourse

Is there any particular position for sexual intercourse which is forbidden in Islam? No! As far as the basic coital positions are concerned, there are no restrictions. The term ‘basic coital positions’ denotes the positions known as the man above, face to face, woman above face to face; side position, face to face; rear-entry position in which the husband penetrates the vagina from the rear. Actually, the Shariah has left it on the husband and the wife to explore and experiment as they wish.

However, it is makruh to adopt a standing position, or to face the qiblah or keep it on the backside during the intercourse. It is advisable to refrain from the acrobatic positions given by some sexologists of the East and the West which might even cause physical harm. Remember, the basic rule is mutual pleasure and flexibility. If one partner does not like a particular position, then the other should yield to his or her feelings.

It is highly emphasized that at the commencement of intercourse the partners should recite Bismillaahir Rah’maanir Rah’eem (In the name of Allah the Beneficent, the Merciful).

 

D. Anal Intercourse

The opinions of our mujtahids vary on the permissibility of anal intercourse. The majority of the Shi’ah mujtahids have derived two conclusions: (1) that anal intercourse is not haraam but strongly disliked (karahatan shadidah) provided the wife agrees to it. (2) And if she does not agree to it, then all mujtahids say that it is precautionary wajib to refrain from it.

 

إِنَّ الَّذِينَ يُحِبُّونَ أَن تَشِيعَ الْفَاحِشَةُ فِي الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ

“Those who like to publicize indecency among the believers will face painful torment in this world and in the life to come. Allah knows what you do not know.

(24:19)

Financial Issues

Money means different things to different people. Financial attitudes often reflect one’s most basic feelings about the world and are usually learned in one’s culture and family of origin. Some people regard money as an important element in ensuring happiness, while others see it more as a way of ensuring security and a defence against fears. Some people are “savers”; others are “spenders”.

Disagreements about money often reflect hidden issues between couples. Money issues are seldom just about money. Financial matters can be a trigger for deeper issues in the following areas of a relationship:

§ Power and control

§ Dependence and independence

§ Commitment

§ Trust

By exploring what money means to each of you and how its meaning influences your financial behaviour, you can begin to sort out the role that money will play in your relationship. These issues are behind many more concrete differences concerning finances. Once you’ve come to terms with your feelings about money, it will be less difficult to make satisfactory financial plans and resolve financial problems. It’s your feelings and attitudes that are more primary.

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

If you cannot get things as much as you desire then be contented with what you have.

Nehjul Balagha

 

In-Laws

Making Peace with Your In-Laws

IMAM MUSA AL- RIDE (A.S.)

Nothing is more worthy than good temper. Good temper could be divided into two categories:

1) Intrinsic

2) Voluntary: The possessor of which is considered to be the better person.

1. Don’t complain to your spouse about the person to whom you have trouble relating. It won’t help for you to complain about your mother-in-law to your husband, her son. Sons have said, “I wish my wife wouldn’t complain to me about Mom, and how bad she is. I know she can get overly involved at times, but she’s my mother and I don’t really like anyone bad-mouthing her.”

Neither will it help if the mother-in-law complains to her son about his wife, or to her husband about their daughter-in-law. I’ve heard fathers-in-law say, “I wish she wouldn’t try to enlist my support for her cause. I don’t feel the way she does and besides. I get along all right with my daughter-in-law.”

2. Give the grandparents plenty of time with their grandchildren. Remember that they can enjoy and learn from one another. If the parents have a concern over different styles of discipline, safety features, health factors, differences in lifestyles and philosophies of living, these should be discussed together—including the most awkward and painful.

3. Don’t interfere in disagreements. I have seen both the parents-in-law as well as the younger couple appeal to the other to take their side in an argument. It doesn’t work. Keep your conflicts and resolution in your own family. Avoid triangular patterns; for example, going through one person to communicate with the other.

4. When your in-laws do something that is really upsetting, discuss it with them. Reinforce all the behaviors that you appreciate, and don’t dwell on those that are different or that you don’t understand.

5. If you find some interests in common, enjoy them. If not, accept the fact without trying to force the other to like what you like. Do not feel obligated to engage in activities you couldn’t care less about. Don’t compare any other in-law style with your own.

6. Don’t blame any in-law for a problem that you may have in your own marriage. And don’t blame them when your spouse isn’t as supportive of you as you’d wish. It will only spread your difficulties to others.

7. Be sensitive about informational boundaries. Some questions just don’t need to be asked. Before asking a question on a sensitive topic, ask yourself, “Is this going to benefit the relationship? Is it something I need to know?”

8. Anticipate that your relationship will grow and continually improve. One of the best ways for this to happen is to ask how you can pray for each other, and to let the other know you’re doing just that.

Mothers-in-law tend to use the words “should” and “ought” excessively as they impose their standards on others. “Should” and “ought to” imply, “I know better than you do and you ought to listen to me.” This problem has a fairly predictable outcome; it’s called, “Shut out mother-in-law.” Conversations become abstract, and detailed plans are omitted from conversations. Avoidance is the order of the day, and this leads to greater deterioration of the relationship.

IMAM ALI (A.S.)

If you find that somebody is not grateful for all that you have done for him then do not get disappointed because often you will find that someone else feels under your obligation thought you have done nothing for him and thus your good deeds will be compensated, and God will reward you for your goodness.

Nehjul Balagha

 

PERFECT MATE

 

No one can be a perfect mate and no one can choose a perfect mate. Allah created marriage to help us mature and grow and He knows every couple will have their share of struggles .But it is tremendously important that we are aware of as many of our areas of compatibility and incompatibility before marriage. And when the potential problems are clearly too great to enable a couple to build a fulfilling, enjoyable, long life together, we need to wait until Allah leads us to a compatible mate.

 

إِنَّا جَعَلْنَا مَا عَلَى الْأَرْضِ زِينَةً لَّهَا لِنَبْلُوَهُمْ أَيُّهُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا

“That which is on earth. We have made but as a glittering show for the earth, in order that We may test them as to which of them are best in conduct.”

(Surah The Cave 18:07)

 

Thank you