chapter 10
CHAPTER 10
Islam’s Original Plans for Marriage
And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and
offspring who
will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the
righteous." [Holy Quran: Furqan 25:74]
Marriage
Negotiations
When a marriage is
being considered, it is customary among Muslims to conduct investigations about
both families. Then they conduct negotiations to determine the conditions for
the marriage and the wedding ceremony, and to establish the amount of the
nuptial gift. Among the questions asked, the families should try to answer those
questions that are appropriate and within the framework of the holy religion.
They should also do the same regarding the questions they ask. In these
negotiations, it is best to exercise the utmost honesty. They should tell the
true age of the couple, the real job of the man, his actual wealth, behavior and
morality; his true spirit; relationships; degree of education; and any defects
or shortcomings. The defects may be negligible. The woman's family too should be
honest in responding to the questions asked by the man's family. They should not
be afraid to tell the truth, since this will prevent any future problems or a
probable deadlock. It will prevent any future harm, bad feelings, separation,
inter-family arguments or the ruining of the relationships between the two
families.
Honesty and
truthfulness can protect both families against any harm, bad feelings and
sorrow. It eases decision-making for both sides and causes prosperity.
Concealing the defects of men and women, deception and trickery are immoral and
religiously prohibited. They are considered to be great sins. The bad effects of
this will not only harm the couple, but will also damage both families.
Concealing defects
of men and women, deception and trickery sometimes result in the break up of a
wedding, the cancellation of the nuptial gift, and the breaking up of the
marriage without a divorce. This is the leeway Islam has granted to either side
who may have been deceived by concealing defects. The Glorious Quran has
prohibited any deception, trickery or concealing of defects
( 94 )
and considers those who deceive, deserve divine punishment in this world and the
Hereafter.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: One who deceives a Muslim does not belong to our nation. [Bihar al-Anwar,
v.75, p.285]
The Commander of
the Faithful (Pbuh) said: Deceiving one who has trusted in you is equal to
atheism. [Mizan al-Hikmat, pp.166-167]
He has also said:
One who deceives people will be harmed by his/her deception. [Mizan al-Hikmat,
pp.166-167]
Regarding the
characteristics of the pious, Imam Ali (Pbuh) has said the following in Sermon
193 of Nahj ul-Balaghah: The pious ones do not get close to people by deception.
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Deception, trickery and treason will result in the Hell
Fire. He also said: One who is a Muslim does not engage in deception or
trickery. I heard from Gabriel that deception and trickery will result in the
Hell Fire.
The issues related
to concealing defects of men and women; deception and trickery; continued
marriage; separation or divorce; the duty of man to pay the nuptial gift or not
having to pay it are extensively discussed in volume 100 of Bihar al-Anwar, Vafa
Press, Beirut starting from page 361 and also in the practical treatise of great
Shiite scholars.
The Necessity to Pay the Nuptial Gift
The
two sides should agree on a reasonable amount after honest negotiations. The
less strict you are about the amount of the nuptial gift, the more God will be
pleased. The leaders of Islam have instructed us to be lenient about this issue
to ease the marriage of our young daughters and sons. The families should not
imagine that an expensive nuptial gift arranged will prevent the disruption of
the family and will help its continuation. There have been many married young
women who have had expensive nuptial gifts but returned to their parent's home
after marriage. They got seriously hurt and fell apart!
You should rely on
God's Favor in these issues, and avoid what might cause pain, belittling or
insulting of either party in the future. Once an amount has been agreed upon,
and the bride and the groom have accepted it, then half of it is due to be paid
immediately upon the establishment of the marriage contract, and the other half
must be paid after the marriage is consummated. If it is all paid at the time of
the marriage contract, it is much better. The youth must realize that the
payment of the nuptial gift is obligatory, and refusal to pay it is a great sin.
This necessity to pay the nuptial gift has been clarified in verses 236-237 and
241 of Chapter Baqara, verse 4 of Nisaa, verses 27-28 of Qisas, and verse 49 of
Al-Ahzab.No one should impose the least harm or oppression upon women, in this
respect or in any other form.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: A man who oppressively does not pay a woman's nuptial gift is considered
an adulterer by God. On the Day of Judgment God will
( 95 )
tell him: "O my servant, I married my servant to you based on a certain
contract. You did not honor that contract, and oppressed her." Then God
will take away some of the man's good deeds and will credit it to his wife's
record of deeds. If there is not enough good deeds to fulfill the woman's
rights, he shall be thrown in the Hell Fire due to not honoring his contract.
Contracts bring responsibility. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.349, Vafa Press,
Beirut]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh)
said: There are three groups of thieves. Those who are envious of paying the
alms tax; those who consider it rightful to devour the nuptial gift; and those
who borrow money and do not intend to pay it back. [Ibid]
Imam Reza (Pbuh)
has quoted his ancestors as having quoted from the Prophet (Pbuh) as saying:
God, the Almighty will forgive any sin except denying a woman's nuptial gift,
not paying the wages of an employee or selling a free man. [Bihar al-Anwar,
v.100, pp.350-351]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh)
said: The most wicked sins are murder, not paying the nuptial gift, and not
paying the wages of an employee. [Ibid]
Noble women have
been instructed to forgo the nuptial gift if possible. This is a highly moral
act and is a symbol of nobility and generosity. In a very important tradition
from The Prophet (Pbuh) we read: A woman who forgoes her nuptial gift after the
wedding and before consummation of the marriage, will be credited for the reward
of freeing one slave for every Dinar of the nuptial gift. Then the Prophet (Pbuh)
was asked what if she forgoes her nuptial gift after the consummation of the
marriage? The Prophet (Pbuh) answered: Forgoing the nuptial gift after the
consummation of the marriage is a result of love and companionship. [Bihar al-Anwar,
v.100, p.351]
The Wedding
Trousseau
It is
customary among Muslims that the father prepares the wedding trousseau for his
dear daughter who is the apple of his eye. He does this through his nobility,
kindness and love for his daughter. In this regard, we should remind the groom
and his respectable family not to forget contentment which is one of the
attributes of the Imams, the Prophets and is a fact truly loved by God. They
should be content with and grateful for whatever the bride's family sends with
her. This is usually as much as they can afford. They should not let this be the
cause of insults, belittlement or attacks on the personality of the parties
involved. The respectable father of the bride should consider his own social
status and that of the groom's family. He should also not be wasteful, since God
is the enemy of those who waste. The wedding trousseau need not be extensive or
extremely expensive. It need not consist of extraordinary goods. The
expenditures for the wedding trousseau should not be out of traditional and
religious bounds. It should not cause a great debt behind. For sure you should
not try to keep up with the Joneses. Do not raise the expectations of the youth
regarding the wedding trousseau, so they only go to propose to women with
( 96 )
filthy rich fathers. This will cause a serious problem for the rest and is
really inhumane; despised by God; and is a cause of torture in the Hereafter.
You should spend
rightfully earned income to purchase the wedding trousseau, so that the
obligatory worship rituals of the couple on the clothes and rugs that are
purchased are acceptable by God. Do not put yourself through too much trouble
due to your children's excessive expectations. Do not let this cause you eternal
torture and punishment.
A Divine, Spiritual Model for the Wedding
Trousseau
In his
valuable book Bihar al-Anwar, Allameh Majlesi has narrated Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) as
saying the following about Fatimah (Pbuh):
The Commander of
the Faithful (Pbuh) did not have much material wealth. All he had was a couple
of dresses, a camel, a sword, and an armor. He earned his daily bread by working
in other people's gardens and farms. When he came to the Prophet (Pbuh) to
propose to marry the Master of all women, the Prophet's daughter Fatimah, the
Prophet (Pbuh) told him to get up and sell his armor. He sold his armor and gave
the money to the Prophet (Pbuh). Neither did he say how much it was, nor did the
Prophet (Pbuh) ask. The Prophet (Pbuh) gave a fistful of the money to Bilal and
asked him to buy perfume for his daughter. He gave some of the money to Abu Bakr
and asked him to buy her clothes and household appliances. He told Ummar and
some of his companions to help in the shopping. The following items were
purchased:
1- Shirt: seven
Durhams
2- Shawl: four
Durhams
3- Black Kheybar
veil
4- A rope bound
bed
5- A couple of
mattresses with Egyptian linen cover and palm fiber and sheep wool filling
6- Four pillows
with Tayef leather cover and filled with stuffing.
7- A woolen
curtain
8- A straw mat
9- A hand grinder
10- A copper tub
11- A water-skin
12- A bowl
13- A small bucket
14- An ewer
( 97 )
15- A green jar
16- Several
ceramic vases.
When they brought
all this to the Prophet (Pbuh) he took a look at them and said: May God bless
them for the Household. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.43, pp.111-112]
The author
continues by writing: That simple trousseau belonged to a woman whose father had
an unprecedented popularity and power. His companions were ready to sacrifice
their lives instead of gold and silver. But he neither forced the sorrow of
going under debt upon his groom, nor did he spend from the Muslim's treasury
which must be spent for the welfare of the general public, the orphans and the
poor. He did not spend a lot to show off or buy excessive luxuries. He did not
raise the level of marriage expenditures to pressure others who might use this
wedding as a model all throughout history. Thus he saved millions of people from
hardship, stress and sorrow. The most important point is that when he recognized
that he was unable to provide for the trousseau for which he was morally
responsible, he asked his noble groom to sell his armor. Using the money he
bought the trousseau and the living necessities, and showed how much sincerity
and love existed in their relationship. He was not ashamed of this act. The
noble groom, too, was so sincere and spiritual that did not think about or even
say one word about it being the duty of the father of the bride to buy the
trousseau. The fruit of this marriage are eleven of the Immaculate Imams. This
family has so far produced thousands of jurisprudents; scientists; wise men;
mystics; God lovers; religious authorities; and believers. There has never been
another such marriage with all its blessings in the whole history of mankind.
Praying at the Wedding Threshold
Imploring
God, praying and supplication, crying in His Presence are all desirable forms of
worship at all times, especially before the wedding. This kind of prayer is
closer to be accepted by God, and it can establish a background for the
fulfillment of many legitimate aspirations.
The Commander of
the Faithful (Pbuh) said: One who intends to get married should perform two
units of prayer, recite the chapters Fatiha and Ya-Sin, and then praise God and
say: O God, please grant me a deserving, kind, child bearing, grateful, content,
zealous wife. She would thank me when I am kind to her; she would forgive me if
I hurt her by mistake; she would help me if I remember you; she will remind me
if I forget; she would protect herself and my honor in my absence; she would be
pleased when I enter; she would obey when I command; she would abide if I swear;
she would make me happy if I get angry. O’ Owner of Grandeur and Nobility,
please I ask You for I will not receive anything but what You destine for me.
The Commander of
the Faithful (Pbuh) then said: Whoever does this at the wedding threshold, shall
get what he wanted by God's Favor.
( 98 )
The Time and Etiquette for Wedding
A
group of families think that the marriage or wedding ceremonies provide a permit
for carrying out whatever carnal desires they please. At the time of the wedding
of their children, they commit divinely forbidden acts based on the request of
their children, the couple’s friends, or their relatives. They think that this
way they make the party more fun. However, marriage and wedding ceremonies
should be accompanied by dignity; nobility; respect; and should be void of sins;
forbidden acts and arousing elements. Thus they can be a cause of God's pleasure
and can yield divine blessings.
Imam Musa, the son
of Jafar (Pbuh) said: It is not at all required to abstain from unforbidden
pleasures. Of course, we must be happy during a marriage ceremony and a wedding
party. We should not forget to engage in legitimate means of entertainment like
comics, jokes and singing. Even singing wise poetry, meaningful lyrics; pleasant
slogans and the customs that are usual among Muslim women in such ceremonies are
all fine. It is quite natural to stay up late at these times.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: It is fine to stay up until late in the three following situations:
reciting the Quran; studying to acquire knowledge; accompanying a bride to her
husband's house.[Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.267]
In Islam it is
considered better to perform the wedding at night. Fatimah's wedding was carried
out at night. Jaber Ansari said: When the divine Prophet married Fatimah off to
Ali, a few narrow minded people came to him and objected why he had married her
off with a very small amount of nuptial gift. The Prophet (Pbuh) told them that
this was not his decision. It was God who married off Fatimah to Ali. On the
night of the wedding the Prophet (Pbuh) prepared his piebald camel. He threw a
gown over it and asked Fatimah to ride it. He ordered Salman to pull the camel.
He himself followed it from behind. Midway through he heard something come down.
He looked and saw that Gabriel and Michael had descended from Heaven each
accompanied with seventy thousand angels. He asked them the reason for the
descension. They replied: We have come to see Fatimah off to Ali's house, and
then they expresses their congratulations. Then they said "God is the
Greatest", so did the angels. The divine Prophet too said "God is the
Greatest". Thus, it became a tradition to say "God is the
Greatest" when accompanying the bride. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.266]
Yes. You must
prepare for and conduct the wedding ceremonies in a manner that will result in
the descention of angels and God's blessings.
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh)
said: Take the bride to the groom’s house at night. [Marriage in Islam, p.112]
Imam Reza (Pbuh)
said: Wedding at night is one of the traditions of the Prophet, since the night
is for resting in peace and a woman is for peace, too.[Marriage in Islam, p.112]
( 99 )
The Prophet (Pbuh)
ordered the daughters of Abdulmutalib and the women of Medina to follow Fatimah
(Pbuh) at the night of her wedding; be happy and sing; say God is great and
praise be to Him; and avoid saying what God dislikes. [Marriage in Islam, p.114;
Mustadrak, Chapter on Marriage, section 31]
On the night of
the wedding it is recommended to feed the guests who have accepted the
invitation.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: There are only five occasions for a banquet: Marriage; childbirth;
circumcision; purchasing a house; and returning from the pilgrimage. [Marriage
in Islam, p114; Mustadrak, Chapter on marriage, section 31]
It has been
narrated that the Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) said on the wedding night of Fatimah
Zahra (Pbuh):
O' Ali. Prepare an
excellent dinner in honor of your spouse. He added: We will give the meat and
the bread, you provide the dates and the ghee. Then Imam Ali (Pbuh) said: I
bought the dates and the ghee. The Prophet (Pbuh) rolled up his sleeves and
shredded the dates into pieces and dropped them in the ghee. He mixed them until
it became a mixture of dates, oil and flour. He sent a ram to be slaughtered. A
lot of bread was baked. He then told Ali (Pbuh) to invite whoever he wished. Ali
says: “I went to the mosque and asked the people to accept the invitation to
Fatimah's banquet”. [Marriage in Islam, p.91]
Regarding being
invited to a wedding party, the Prophet (Pbuh) said: Do not rush to go to a
wedding party if you are invited. Wedding ceremonies remind us of the worldly
issues. But rush to a funeral ceremony when invited since that reminds you of
the Hereafter. The families must arrange the marriage and wedding ceremonies in
such a way that it not only has a bad influence on the kids, the youth and the
young participants and but not also foster or encourage them to commit any sin.
It also provides a convenient place for the believing men and women invitees to
participate.
Nuptial Night Customs
There
are many verses of the Glorious Quran and traditions regarding intercourse which
are very beneficial for both men and women. Consider some of the recommendations
of the Prophet (Pbuh) and the Holy Household in this regard which have been
narrated in the most authentic books on traditions.
It is polite for
the groom to take of the brides' shoes once she has been brought to his house.
Then he should wash her feet and spread water from the house entrance door to as
far away as possible. This can block seventy thousand causes of the family
becoming poor. Seventy thousand blessings will cover the house. Seven angels of
mercy will start to fly over the bride’s head and their blessings will fill
the whole house. The bride will be protected against diseases like insanity and
leprosy for as long as she lives there.
( 100 )
The bride should
avoid eating milk, vinegar, coriander or sour apple during the first week of the
marriage. These four can have a negative effect on her womb and may turn her
sterile.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: If a woman starts her period while drinking vinegar, this will slow down
its termination. Coriander will extend the duration of the period, and will make
delivery difficult. A sour apple will quickly stop the period and the blood
which remains in the womb will cause illness.
Avoid lovemaking
at the beginning, the middle and the end of the (periodic) month. Do not make
love in the afternoon. It is not good to talk, it is very bad to stare when
making love. It is extremely psychologically damaging to the child who may get
born if the man thinks about another woman while making love.
It is better to
wear a light clothing when making love.
It is inconvenient
to make love standing up like animals.
Avoid intercourse
on the night of Fitr Holiday (the end of the holy month of fasting); and
Sacrifice Holiday; under a tree; under the sun; between the two consecutive
calls for prayer (Adhan and Iqamih); the night of the fifteenth day of Sha'ban
(the birth date of the Holy Twelfth Imam); on the roof; and on the night of
travel. Weddings and intercourse are recommended on Sunday night; early Monday
night; Wednesday night; on Thursday; Thursday night ; the eve of Friday. These
times have a lot of material benefits as well as very important spiritual
effects. Making love at the times that intercourse has been prohibited may
result in children with insanity; leprosy; foolishness; cross-eyedness;
deafness; blindness; jealousy; becoming feminine; argument and separation; being
sterile; having six fingers; having four fingers; being poor; extreme desire to
attack other people; blind-heartedness; ugliness and dumbness.
The times that
intercourse has been recommended can result in children with such qualities as
memorizing the Holy Quran; being pleased with divine decrees; faith; security
from torture; love and kindness; compassion; nobility and generosity; being
refined; having mastery over science; religiousness and prosperity; and
attaining the status of God's saints.
These are issues
that cannot be recognized with material tools or medical instruments. They are
facts that the Noble Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) has recommended and said to the
Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh), and has asked him to guard these
recommendations on marriage and lovemaking as he has guarded them after
receiving them from Gabriel [Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.280; Elal al-Sharayeh,
pp.514-517; Amali Sadoogh, pp.566-570]
It has been
prohibited to make love instantly. This is oppressive to women and sexual
foreplay is both necessary and beneficial to both men and women.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: Three actions are oppressive: Being accompanied by a man and not asking
his name; Being invited to a party and not attending; Or not eating food if one
has accepted the invitation; And lovemaking without foreplay. [Bihar al-Anwar,
v.100, p.285]
( 101 )
The sixth Imam
said: Three actions are the tradition of divine Prophets: putting on perfume;
shaving the private parts and thoroughly fulfilling your wife's carnal desires.
[Ibid]
The Commander of
the Faithful (Pbuh) said: Not sleeping with your wife and not fulfilling her
sexual instincts is a cause of torture in the grave. [Elal al-Sharayeh, p.309]
It is forbidden to
make love during the period. It is forbidden not to make love for over four
months without any good excuse or the spouse’s consent, and it has
retribution. Making love while unclean is undesirable.
Hazrat Ali (Pbuh)
has said: Do not make love instantly. The woman has sensual and physical needs.
Help her with foreplay, then make love. If you see another woman and feel that
she is beautiful ,then immediately go to your wife. God has granted your wife
the same beauties. And not looking at another woman and going home to make love
to your own wife will block Satan from conquering your heart.
If you are not
married, then perform two units of prayer immediately. Praise God and send
benedictions upon the Prophet (Pbuh) and his Household. Then seek help from God.
God may grant you what you need through His Kindness. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.100,
p.287]
The reward of
fulfilling a woman's carnal desires is so great that according to a tradition
the noble Prophet of God told a man: Are you fasting today? The man said no.
Have you gone to visit the ill today? The man said no. Have you gone to a
funeral today? The man said no. Have you fed one who cannot work today? The man
said no. Then he said: Go back home and make love with your wife, since this is
similar to a donation from you to her. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.289]
You should not
make love in the presence of a child, since this is both morally and
psychologically bad for the child. The sixth Imam (Pbuh) has said that this
increases the chances of the child committing adultery in the future. [Bihar al-Anwar,
v.100, p.290]
One should avoid
intercourse with a full stomach, since it harms your health. [Bihar al-Anwar,
v.100, p.290]
Do not make love
when there is a baby in the cradle who may observe you. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.100,
p.295]
How wonderful is
the religion of Islam in its full coverage of all issues regarding moral,
educational and sensual affairs. Especially the coverage on women's rights with
a precise look at all affairs of life. It really grants us a good outlook on
personal, family and social issues. It must be so since Islam is the
manifestation of revelations; divine knowledge and the insight of the Prophet (Pbuh)
and the Holy Household, and it is not derived from a limited earthen mentality.